This afternoon, after my regular life chores like walking the dogs, buying the groceries and doing the dishes, I walked a block through the alley and sat on a greasy spoon diner patio in the crisp air, read The Walrus and drank a couple of beers. There were birds chirping.

It was pretty fucking excellent.

OK- I think we’re all pretty clear on my distrust of organized religion, right? No? Check here, here, here or here because I’m not sure that I could be any more clear on the subject. So……. I’ve decided that I will start a religion of my own.

It is a religion of DOG.

Think about it for a second. Religion is comprised of the following things; Faith, loyalty, love, honesty, the ability to see you through the most difficult of times, and wrath. Dog, rather than God, does all of these things willingly and with the constant visual proof that we logical humans require. I know- some of you are thinking that “We shouldn’t need proof” and yet, look at humanity- we clearly do. More wars and more blood shed and death have started over religious beliefs than any other cause on the face of this freaking planet. This type of carnage… it wouldn’t be accepted, let alone justified, by any god that I personally could fathom believing in.

And so, I bring you the religion of Dog.

Faith. Dog perspective; I with have faith in every single little thing that you do.  I will wait at the front door for your entire work day and I will Know without question that you will return. Knowing that I know this, you will always return.

Loyalty. Dog perspective; There is no circumstance that will cause me to be disloyal to you. It would simply never happen. Never ever, ever. I will champion every victory and I will lovingly console every defeat. I will never leave your side, or the comfy spot on the couch.

Love. Dog perspective; I will love you even when you are shitty and stupid and neglectful. I will love you always, even on the days when you don’t act as though you love me.

Honesty. Dog perspective; I am a dog. I don’t have the ability to lie and will always show you exactly what I am feeling. I will not hold any emotion back even if it is lust and I feel the need to hump your friend’s leg.

Seeing you through difficult times. Dog perspective; I will lay beside you while you cry, while you laugh, and while you are confused. I will be your rock and I will be unbending.

Wrath. Dog perspective; I don’t want to hurt you, I want to love you without question for the rest of my days. However, if you poke me with a stick or the heel of your boot enough times, I will rip your fucking face off.

So, debate me this people; Is not the religion of Dog more straight forward, more honest, and more true than anything us crappy human kind could ever make up? I have to say, I am far more willing to throw my soul to the religion of Dog than I am any current or past day religion of God in what ever form he may pop up in.

When it comes to the religion of Dog, there is no “wiggle room” or conflict in that which the message says. The religion of Dog is clear. The religion of Dog is the only one that truly makes sense to me.

This is a good one. It will get you laid or out of the dog house or whatever you currently require. It’s best if you can make the salsa & the potato salad early in the am so they can marinate in the fridge all day. Use tightly sealed containers & shake that shit up every couple of hours.

You will need;

A bevy to drink while cooking- I am going with a nice Shiraz. (I’m suspect of people who don’t drink while they cook- it’s like a bartender that doesn’t drink. Makes me think that I’m being poisoned.)

Lemon thyme potato salad;

2 lemons, about 15 baby new potatoes, 2 sprigs fresh thyme, 1 red onion, a big splash of apple cider vinegar, 2 cloves of garlic, hand full of trimmed green beans, salt & pepper.

Half or quarter the potatoes depending on size. Boil the potatoes & green beans (cooked, but still firm- not mushy.) strain them and leave to cool. Zest one lemon into a large bowl then add juice from both. Add a good splash of apple cider vinegar & garlic cloves, finely chopped.  Sprinkle with salt & pepper and add half a red onion, thinly sliced. Chop the shit out of the thyme leaves and add cooled potatoes & beans. Stick it in the fridge.

Pineapple Mango salsa;

Fresh cilantro, 1 very ripe mango, a few slices of fresh pineapple (please don’t used canned- it isn’t the same)  couple slices of red onion finely diced, 1 lime.

Chop up the pineapple & mango into little chunks- not too big- but not too tiny or they just get mushy. finely dice cilantro leaves (about 2 tbsp???) Zest the lime and then squeeze the juice into the bowl. Dice up the red onion small- again, about 2 tbsp? Sorry- cooking isn’t an exact science for me- it’s all about throwing good shit in a bowl & seeing how it comes out. Throw this in a sealed container in the fridge to mix & marinade into kick ass salsa goodness.

Blackened Snapper;

2 nice sized snapper fillets. A shit load of blackening spices. ( I personally use a pre-made Cajun mix to which I add a fuck-ton of Cayenne & smoked paprika & dried red chilies.) The fish can be VERY spicy as both sides are cool & fresh.

Slather the fillets in blackening spices- coat them very well. Add equal parts butter & olive oil (about 3 tbsp of oil and a half inch chunk of butter?) Heat the pan till HOT then add the snapper & cook a few min on each side till crispy and cooked through. If you like your fish cooked above the regular med rare then get thin fillets- this has to be cooked hot and fast and thick fillets will be burnt to a fucking crisp by the time they’re cooked through.)

Ok- not to state the obvious or anything but plate the fish, add a huge dollop of salsa & the potato salad & EAT. Check my contact page for the correct address for the gifts that you will now feel obligated to send me.

Check me out! I look pretty fucking good for 40, don’t I? I know these green plaid shorts really aren’t in style anymore but I like to consider myself a bit of a trendsetter. And yes, that gorgeous blond is all natural. I think it’s the smoking and drinking that gives me such a youthful glow.

Last night as I was making the greatest homemade clam chowder in the history of man, I was semi blinded by the sight of the Olympic torch passing by one block over and clearly visible from my kitchen widow. There were a lot of lights, some guy screeching into a loud speaker, and several parade like floats in front of and behind the runner. Let me just tell you how much the whole fucking spectacle pissed me off.

A lot.

Let’s just put it into context, shall we? The Olympics will cost us approximately 6 BILLION DOLLARS. Not millions, I said BILLIONS. Using the common short scale as we do in North America 1 billion dollars equates to a thousand millions. Do the math people- this little event is going to cost the Province of BC over 6 THOUSAND STACKS OF A MILLION DOLLARS.

Don’t get me wrong, I have great respect for (most) athletes and have no problem with global events to highlight them and their abilities. The Olympics as they are however are no longer financially viable. A new system needs to be created and it needs to be one that is financially responsible. Can you imagine if the money pissed away spent on the last decade of Olympic games were used instead to fight global hunger and homelessness? Hell, we could even chuck a couple of billion at disease research for things like AIDS, cancer, addiction, etc because we’d sure as shit have the funds.

Throwing a 2 week carnival style party every couple of years is a higher priority than making sure every person on this planet has food, water, and shelter. I’m not talking about using that money to buy us all fucking Hummers and flashy gold watches, I’m talking about FOOD, WATER, AND A FUCKING ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD. We are saying as a species that the Olympics are more important than that. More important than homeless children, more important that bellies swollen from hunger, and more important than the man wasting away from cancer as his family watches. The argument of “it’s too expensive to fix the problems of our poor” is simply not fucking valid when you look at that 6 billion dollars we’re willing and eager to spend on a sporting event.

We humans are one sick and twisted fucking people.

How creepy would it be if puppets were still dressed and painted but ever so slightly see through? I think the only thing creepier would be a clown.

Or a see through clown.

ps- Friday is my birthday. In lieu of gifts, feel free to send gifts. Unless it’s a clown- in that case you’d be dead meat motherfucker!

There really is no good reason for me posting this. I mean other than because I’m a bitch.

It is January 19 and for some freakishly weird reason it is flip flop weather here in the beautiful BC interior. No snow, blue sky and fucking flip flop weather. I’m not even exaggerating! I walked my dogs in a flimsy little summer cardigan this morning.

SWEET!

oh- and in case you were wondering (of course you were) I pulled an entire dump truck of stuff out of my mother’s house and it now looks lovely. Until next year.

And as us cool cats (Gray & I) are January babies, we had our own little birthday party during my week of minding that adorable crazy little man. Needless to say, he was wearing most of that blue icing when all was said & done.