Dear Asshole,

(Actually, it’s assholes today. Plural, because there are so damn many of you!!!)

You are the people in malls & grocery stores that walk as though you’re shuffling from your fridge to your couch, bathrobe and slippers clad, in a semi coma. There is no passing lane in stores (WHY THE HELL NOT I ASK??) so you need to speed up or get the hell out of the way. One level higher on the asshole chain are the people who stand in the middle of entrances/exits to have a little chat with someone they’ve run into. Seriously? You’re that oblivious? YOU’RE STANDING IN A FUCKING DOORWAY YOU SELF ABSORBED IDIOT!

Malls at the best of times make me want to shoot myself, during the Christmas chaos they make me want to shoot YOU!

-K

My friend Richard sent this one to me and I freaking love it. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House……

He walked up to the Marine standing guard and said, “I’d like to go in
and meet with President Bush.”
“Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said “Okay,” then walked away.

The following day the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, ‘I’d like to go in and meet with President Bush.’
“Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no
longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and walked away.

The third day, the old man approached the same Marine and said, “I’d
like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
“Sir, this is the third day in a row that you’ve been here asking to
speak to Mr. Bush. I’ve told you every time that Mr. Bush is no longer
the president and that he no longer resides here. Don’t you
understand?”

“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted the old man and said, “See
you tomorrow, sir.”

It’s a beautiful thing.

There is almost nothing better than fresh snow and cold beer. When you can combine the two, the heavens open up and half naked cherubs dance and sing and frolic and do whatever the hell else those fat little freaks do.

I think the "S" is backwards, but that could just be the Red Stripe talking.

I have a rather sleek and smarmy new hair cut which I love. I have no photos as by “new” I mean less than an hour ago. I misplaced my lighter (I will just say it and then refuse to acknowledge that I was smoking this morning) so I thought taking Maggi for her pre-work walk while packing a BBQ lighter was a brilliant idea. It was windy at 6 this morning and apparently the BBQ lighter has a rather large and hearty flame.

Yes, the haircut was sort of a necessity.

When you have a dog with hair rather than fur there is a grooming obligation that you cannot ignore. The up side is no shedding. The Mags has been given her semi annual shearing (and is none to happy) but is now fully prepared for the mayhem that is snow to a Schnauzer. She makes an adorable “Yeti” but when left unchecked, this is the result…..

So yes, there is grooming involved. Normally she has a rather spectacular beard. (C’mon admit it, you’re jealous that I can say “my daughter has a spectacular beard”) It’s full & long and catches all manner of food bits and foliage and is taken straight from some wizened character from Lord of the Rings. Oh, and eyebrows. Groomed Schnauzers have the most fantastic sinister looking eyebrows. Better than Gene Levy.

However, when said dog is suddenly overwhelmed with the need to open a kitchen cupboard and eat half a box of pancake batter, the silky beard becomes a casualty. The enormous sticky ball of flour that had very effectively glued her mouth shut meant that an attempt at cleaning was not an option. I will admit that if she were a human it would have to be said that she has somewhat of a “weak chin.” The beardless look is not a good one for her & she seems very aware of this. She has taken to growling at poodles as I think she resents her recent resemblance to them.

I am a enraged at a little piece I saw on Anderson Cooper 360 last night. Apparently so many people have been posing the question that they felt it necessary to address it. “Would Obama’s middle name (Hussein) be used when he is sworn in as President?”

Are you shitting me? It’s his fucking NAME people! Why wouldn’t it be used? The fact that it’s come up as a topic of debate makes me realize how many fucked up ignorant twats are really out there. Does everyone in the Middle East with the name Osama now have to change it? Hell, let’s go one step further… What about Ted Bundy or Charles Manson? Lizzie Bordon or what’s her face that sunk her car full of kids in the river? Are all of those names no longer politically correct and deemed “off limits?”

All of you out there that have seriously considered whether or not he should use his full name when he takes office–that have actually thought the question was worth the time of debating–are FUCKING IDIOTS (and are all probably named Nancy or Rush .)

“Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status.”

-Article 2 UDHR

Happy 60th Birthday to the piece of paper that protects my sorry ass, and thank you for existing.

Add your name to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights here.

"I'm golden baby! Fucking GOLDEN!"

His predecessor George Ryan is serving a prison sentence for fraud. Blagojevich is currently out on bail. Is there something in the water in Illinois that turns their Governors into arrogant, thieving pieces of shit? Seriously. Someone should do some sort of testing out there. Obama has asked for his resignation and that pleases me immensely. It would please me more to see him publicly tared and feathered just to see that cocky shit eating grin slip from his arrogant mug, but whatever.