#1- Amsterdam

#2- Living in Germany (with what Susin likes to refer to as my “lesbian haircut”)

#3- Portabello Market, London UK

#4- Laffeyette Cemetery, New Orleans

#5- Paris picnic

#6-Punta Tumbo, Argentina

#7-Rome

#8-Site of the  Branch Dividian/David Koresh craziness on Mt. Carmel, Waco Texas

#9-Drunk and stuck in a very large shoe in Kelkeim Germany

This is valentines day- done our way.

Did I randomly get a weird spinal surgery? Or did I finally get the stars on my spine finished? ok- admittedly, the random elective spinal surgery does make a better story. But even I’m not that fucked up.

Shocking, I know.

And THAT my friends, is how you make an ass kicking soup.

So I guess this falls under the better late than never category? After 17 deaths since 2003, the RCMP have (finally) acknowledged that tasers can in fact kill when they aren’t supposed to!

**insert gasps of shock and awe here**

I am a little disappointed that it took nearly 3 deaths per year for 5 years for them to change the justifiable circumstances under which they can be used, but then again, I’m not a cop and have little understanding for what they go through on a daily basis. (Yes, yes, before you start, some cops are assholes, but assuming they all are or that their job isn’t difficult makes you an even bigger asshole.) This delay in policy change wasn’t due to the cop on the street, it was the pencil pushing policy makers that were dragging their feet while Canadians were being randomly subjected to tough love, taser style, and I for one am glad they finally got their shit together. For those of you that are curious the old policy of leaving taser use up to the individual officer was changed to;

“stop police from shocking people who are simply refusing to follow officers’ orders.”

Holy blue hell! Can you imagine if that were the rule for the masses? Look out you non-compliant jackasses, here I come.

And this ain’t no cattle prod!

The stimulus package has passed. $789 Billion dollars put squarely into the hands of those who can’t account for the first big fat blank cheque they got. Apparently they were contrite though. Awww. that makes me feel better, how about you? One big question on the table was of course what the hell happened to the money already given that was intended to free up the ever essential credit market? No one is lending shit, so where the fuck did it go Mr Banker fancy pants?

They spoke softly under the weight of the gravity of this situation as they explained how they’ve all given up their bonuses for the year.

My god would I love to slap the mother livin’ shit out of every single one of them.

Not quite as pretty without the glitter and doilies, is it?

Remember the excitement of opening your paste and glitter decorated shoebox in fifth grade? Yeah, it’s rolled around again. Good old Saint Valentine’s Day steeped in romantic mysticism and crushingly beautiful medieval traditions…….

Sorry lover, no such luck. Can I hear a million hearts breaking over the loss of yet another generic and falsified holiday? I know. I’m a kill-joy. I also love the Grinch, think that the Easter Bunny is the one who framed Roger Rabbit, and Saint Paddy’s is…. Actually, I can’t say anything bad about that one. It’s a holiday that we have pleasantly bastardized into a reason to drink to excess and proclaim ourselves to have a ridiculously small fraction of Irish in us. Love it!

Sorry, I digress. Back to all of you out there giving yourselves ulcers trying to find the perfect gift.

It’s all commercial crap. A completely fictionalized made-for-profit holiday that card companies, flower shops, and the makers of those horrific teddy bears holding stuffed hearts that say “I love you!” have crammed down our throats and we have blindly swallowed.

The origins of Valentine’s day are murky to say the least. Christians attribute it to one of many martyred saints. Not one specific and extremely romantic fellow. One of many! According to the ancient Athenian calendar, the period between mid January and mid February was the month of Gamelion dedicated to the sacred marriage of Zeus and Hera.

Strangely enough, one of the least contested versions of the how Valentine’s day came to signify love, and how it came to fall on the 14^th is Lupercalia. It was celebrated in ancient Rome and stems from the word lupus, meaning wolf, as in the wolf that suckled Romulus and Remus. Priests of Luperci would travel to the cave where the wolf lived and sacrifice animals to her. Their blood would then be scattered in the streets to bring fertility. This uber romantic evening was held on February 15^th. (Hey- could this also be the origins of “paint the town red”?)

A Chaucer poem from 1382 was the first recorded association between romance and Valentine’s day, but it appears that the readers paired the poem with the wrong time of year. It seems highly unlikely that his reference to those spring birds mating took place in the middle of February in England. Spring+England+February= yeah, right. The date seems dependent on where you happen to be- Slovenia has a lover’s day on March 12th, Egypt has one on November 4^th, and Brazil’s is June 12^th.

See what I’m getting at here? Valentine’s day is simply a greeting card company designed event that stands for little more than the sound of a cash register. I like to go out for dinner alone on Valentine’s Day because it makes the hand holding couples around me uncomfortable. They tend to stare at me as though I’m a sad basket of half drown kittens and I find this incredibly amusing. I guess I’m just not personally interested in being told to prove my love on an arbitrarily chosen day along with the masses. If I do something special, what the hell’s wrong with March 22^nd or October 11^th? The answer is no. I will not be your valentine, but I would love to be your April 29^th.

By the way, if any solos out there are feeling a bit left out, South Korea has a holiday specifically for single people. Translated, it’s called “Black Day”.

Sorry about that.

ps- Steve, Please take the following post as confirmation that I would in fact love a fat bunch of white daisies on Saturday

Well…… the title may be a little deceiving. Sorry boys.