There are a plethora of reasons. My biggest complaint is the way she repeats something a guest has just said, adds a word or two of her own, repeat, repeat, repeat, and then turns to the audience with a look that says “Did you hear that? I just said something very profound.” She also seems totally incapable of giving a guest the last word- she has to summarize for the audience (who she clearly thinks are idiots) and then flashes the profound look again in case you missed the wonderment of her previous sentence.

I am also vomitously sick of hearing how she’s lost/gained/lost/gained weight again. Aren’t all of those diet gurus that she’s had on and hailed as the next great thing just a little embarrassed (again)?  For someone who likes to state that inner beauty is most important, she seems to be on the cover of an awful lot of magazines whining about discussing diets and appearance. Yeah yeah, she gives money to charity, she gives cars and books and Red Lobster coupons away on her show…blah blah blah. I don’t care. Vilify me if you want, but I hate Oprah.

When I find a new blog that I enjoy, I refuse to read the “about” page for the first week or two. Some that know me would say it’s because I don’t want to bother investing any of my precious time until I have determined whether or not I’ll stick around. In reality however, it is for a far more amusing–and slightly strange–reason. When there are no posted photos I like having to figure out on my own if the author is male or female. Not knowing often makes the posts even more interesting than they already were as I have no idea from which perspective they are coming.

I have made many an incorrect assumptions including women that I though were gay men, men that I thought were woman and in one case, a middle aged professional sounding gentleman that turned out to be a girl young enough to be my daughter. I don’t know why I find this so damn enjoyable because it has certainly made me look like an ass more than once. And yet I continue……

So, I would like to apologizes in advance. If you are a her and I call you a him or whatever, I’m truly sorry. Apparently, I like wearing the jackass hat. It fits me well.

There was a time (not all that long ago) that employers were desperate for staff. In some cases, ANY staff would do, just give me a freaking body to fill this slot. The end result of this was of course complete idiots holding positions that they couldn’t have cared less about. “If it doesn’t work out or I’m just too damn lazy to show up who cares? There are plenty of jobs out there, I’ll just shuffle on over to the next one and spread some more of my total incompetence and disinterest around.”

Those of you who know me are very aware that I am sorely lacking in the patience department. I am infuriated by laziness and stupidity. I have all the patience in the world for someone learning a new skill or trying something previously unknown, but if you just can’t be bothered to do your job or employ some basic common sense, I have no fucking use for you. If your normal answer to a client or customer is a bored “I dunno” I should be able to slap you right then and there.

In the month of January Canada lost 129,000 jobs and the US lost about 589,000 which, no matter how you slice it, are terrifying numbers. The market is now flooded with people looking for work and struggling to put food on their tables. The only upside to this situation–if one exists at all–is that the people who slack off at their jobs and don’t give a rats ass can now be replaced by eager new employees who are ready and willing to do their jobs and are grateful to be able to do so. This horrific economic situation may mean that your inquiry will no longer be met with a hair twirling, gum snapping glazed look of absolute indifference and I for one, welcome this.

#1-Villa Gesell, Argentina. Quaint little coast town.

#2-On a train in Austria, freshly diagnosed with Pneumonia.

#3-Cuzco Peru. Ridiculously beautiful city but a bus ride from hell through the Andes to get there from Lima. Old converted school bus, 22 hour ride with 4 stops of 5 minutes and 1 stop of 20 min. No bathroom on board. Yeah, think about it.

#4- Drunk on a small Greek Island. I forget which one

#5- Isla Pescado, Bolivia. 10-15ft cactus, all in bloom.

#6- Jewish ghetto cemetery, Krakow Poland.

#7- Lugano Switzerland. On my way to Herman Hesse’s house because I am a huge geek.

#8- Venice Italy

#9- Wyoming field just before the storm broke.

My spellchecker doesn’t even recognize the word octuplet. It will spellcheck quintuplet and sextuplet but it draws the line at 6. Seven or eight kids in one go just doesn’t register and that’s because there is already a word for those situations;

a litter.

Apparently the Californian mother of this litter is now perusing her “many offers” including book deals, the talk show circuit and my personal favorite, a job as a “baby expert.” Are you fucking kidding me? A single woman in her early thirties that already has 6 kids, has just given birth to 8 more, lives in a tiny home with her parents and is “obsessed with kids” is suddenly a baby expert? I think the title of raving fucking lunatic is much more fitting. I also think negligent money and fame whore has a nice ring to it.

How is this situation ok? Now before some of you wind yourselves up into a tizzy, I’m not talking about baby limits & sterilization. The fact that she conceived these kids via artificial means is my issue. They did this on purpose and followed the birth with hiring an agent. Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t that smack of breeding for profit? The word puppy mill comes to mind. Doesn’t the clinic have any sort of mandate for situations such as these? Who is going to support these children? Perhaps the onus will fall on the shoulders of the California government that is currently so broke it has temporarily suspended all payments of tax returns? There is a huge reality TV trend towards viewing the everyday lives of large families (Jon & Kate plus 8, 17 kids and counting, ect) and I certainly get the interest, but there is a huge difference in those families when compared to this one. They are families that are able to support themselves and found after the fact that for whatever reason, their daily lives would make great TV. This woman who–from all reports thus far–already struggled to support her first 6 kids, appears to have pushed the baby making envelope with the intent to cash in on the new reality programing craze and I’m disgusted. Moreover, I will be doubly disgusted with any companies that jump on this bandwagon with sponsorship, a book deal or a TV show/appearances. Whoever does is screaming loud and clear to the world that breeding for profit is not only possible, it’s encouraged and rewarded.

With the economy taking more tumbles than your average gymnast, it isn’t particularly surprising that consumer spending is taking a huge hit. The Christmas rush wasn’t the mad house of years past nor were the brightly decorated trees surrounded by quite as much bounty. I think it’s safe to say that the fat guy in the red suit had a substantially lighter load this year. With the jobless rate soaring and borrowing next to impossible, the few activities that do well in times such as these are the ones that come with little or no cost. This list definitely includes sex because sex is free.

Well, except when it isn’t.

After talking to more than a dozen private escorts and a small group of agencies, it appears that sex and “company” are still justifiable expenses.  All of the private escorts that I spoke to said that their regular clientele hasn’t dropped off a bit. It hasn’t necessarily increased, but they’re still seeing the same faces that they normally do and at the same frequency. See kids, the guidance councilor was right to nudge you towards owning your own business because the escort agencies that hire out multiple girls don’t seem to be fairing as well. They all had a similar story to tell and that story included a drop in phone calls and oddly enough, an increase in clients attempting to barter on the price. Seriously? Who does that? Is a date for hire really an appropriate price haggling situation? I would think not, but then again, how the hell would I know. It’s not the same as a boxing day sale with the bright red “marked down 70%” stickers all over the place. As far as I know, sex can be for sale, but I am pretty sure that it doesn’t go on sale. Most of the agencies in both the lower mainland and our own cozy little valley confirmed that there has been a sharp increase in requests for discounts or abbreviated service.

When I started talking to people, I had an idea of the responses that I would get, and I wasn’t too far off. The one that I didn’t expect was the increased traffic in the “adult” stores, but I guess when you think about it, a couple of videos, a vibrator, or a plastic vagina is the more frugal option if you’re looking to save a few dollars. (As a young teen, those shops always intrigued me. I think I assumed that once in the door I would find midgets in leather riding saddled Great Danes and an entire 24 hour sex circus. My friend Susin & I held hands and pretended we were lesbians to gain entrance as our 14 year old selves assumed that the lesbian part of it would make us appear worldly and of age. We were sorely disappointed when not greeted by a naked clown offering us a bag of penis shaped popcorn at the door.)
So, what is the moral of this story?
Sex still sells and under no circumstance, including an economic meltdown, is it acceptable to haggle with a hooker (or, for that matter, with an escort.)

My regular weirdness as published February edition Off-Centre Magazine

#1- Cafayate, Argentina. Wine country & spectacular beef. Saw my first scorpion (under my tent)

#2- Street busking, Barcelona. Always a production, never subtle.

#3- Big Ben, London. Taken on the fly en route to yet another pub.

#4- Castleberry Alabama, Best BBQ pork EVER but a dry county so bring your own booze.

#5- Heidelberg, Germany. Funky college town amid crumbling castles with kick ass bars.

#6- Apollos Temple, Naxos, Greece. Most amazing ouzo and calamari steak.

#7- Niagara Falls. Wax museum, need I say more?

#8- Salta, Argentina. Extremely Drunk after 37 hours of booze and coca leaves.

#9- Tennessee cotton field. That shit is hard to pick!