At 45 degrees latitude Nostradamus predicted a great drought in which all water will disappear. If you look along that latitude, it matches with all of the worlds major grain belts. A global famine. The beginning of the end.

There will be three eclipses in 2012 which is an oddity in itself. Are the 3 eclipsed moons in one of the images in the lost book of Nostradamus (found in 1994) reflecting this as the beginning of the end? There is a plethora of information on line about 2012 and it’s clues and paths lead in multiple crazyass directions- including that those apparent alchemy masters the Freemasons embedded clues in many of Europe’s buildings that foretold the coming Apocalypse. Theories abound. Honey bees are disappearing, yet we depend on their pollination. Famine equals disease equals war and the dominoes continue to fall………. If I were a conspiracy theorist, my head would literally be exploding right now. I would be camped at the base of the Cross of Hendaye scribbling in a notebook and mumbling incoherently to myself.

The Mayans, the Egyptians, the Hopi, the Aztecs, Nostradamus……. all believed that 2012 is going to be the worlds own personal shit show. The big bang reversed. Our end of days. The galactic alignment seems to be at the heart of it all and there is no debating that this takes place in 2012. Could they possibly have forecast an event that occurs every 26,000 years? The great pyramids and the sphinx are perfectly lined up astrologically at the half way mark of this 26,000 year cycle. A harbinger of days yet to come and the clues to which appear to be peppered through out diverse civilizations stretching back to our earliest times. Why does the Mayan calendar end in 2012? What will the galactic alignment prompt on a planetary level?

The weakening of the earth’s magnetic field? A swapping of the poles? Bye bye twitter.

It has been said that 5 times in the earth’s history man has been brought to his knees and almost totally annihilated. Is 6 times the charm? If 2012 is the beginning of the end, then we only have a few years left to wait to see if it is in fact true. Of course, it will be too late to do anything about it then.

Man I love this kind of shit. And clearly, I shouldn’t be allowed to drink wine and watch the history channel when their on doom & gloom week….

(This entire post is of course null & void if you are a God follower who believes the earth is only a half a dozen thousand years old. None of this shit could possibly be true. Carry on as you were little sheep. Leave the “crazy for a different reason” people alone.)

This morning was my annual grope and tickle from Dr. R

It’s always a little uncomfortable having a banal conversation with someone who has several lubed fingers deep inside of you. I keep trying to gather up the courage to cover my bits in glitter & stickers before a pap just to see his face when I plop my feet in the stir ups to achieve that maximum viewing pleasure position. He was very proud of me for having quit smoking. I basked in the effervescentness of his praise and hardly felt guilty about lying at all. Really people, if you can’t lie to your doctor, who can you lie to? Besides, if he gets to dig around down there, I felt justified in earning stealing a little praise.

With the exception of the ever creepy raynauds which you can witness here, my normal hip issues and the non-smoking which is really more like chain smoking- I am as healthy as a horse. Or a well built pony at least. I take a perverse pleasure in answering his questions as though I am some zen like creature. Any medications? No. Any bowel or bladder issues? No. Any aches or pains? No. Any rectal problems? No. (Though I did find it interesting that the rectal problems get a whole question all to themselves. Other ailments have to double or triple up. Not the rectum. It stands alone.) There was more praise for the quitting smoking followed by “How much do you drink?” Thankfully I don’t believe in god because if I did, he surely would have struck me down as soon as “Oh, maybe one or two a week” came out of my lying piehole.

I waited until I was down the block and safely out of visuial range before I lit up.

I know. I know.

Do you ever sit down and think about humanity as a whole? As an admitted misanthrope, I do this quite often. I am disgusted by us for the most part, and am always surprised when there is a bright spot amid the enormous pile of crap that is the human animal.

We baffle me.

Besides our incredible selfishness, utter lack of foresight and destructive nature, I am also astounded by the things that we can and cannot do. Really think about this for a second. We can put a man on the moon but we can’t design a pair of fucking tights that don’t curl at the waist or give you the appearance of crotch full of shit. We can sent twitter messages to whom ever we please, where ever we please, and when ever we please, but we cannot feed children in our own communities let alone the those in other countries. We can make and sell all manner of products and gadgets but we cannot, for the life of us, figure out how to mass produce renewable energy sources or make a healthy cigarette. (Please don’t interject with the clove brand- I mean one that actually tastes like a cigarette rather than a prairie grass fire or a thanksgiving pie spice.)

I think that we like to pretend that we can do anything until it comes to a fuck up due to something we haven’t bothered with. When that happens we like to throw up our hands and shout “We didn’t know! We had no idea!” We like to pick and choose the things that we will set our endless resources and tenacious determination on and we like to pretend the rest of the stuff doesn’t exist.

We can kill people en masse, we can devastate land and water alike, but we can’t figure out how to look at our differences as strengths rather than weaknesses

Seriously, we baffle me.

Me- If you had a non homosexual man crush who would it be on?

Steve- I don’t know- I don’t look at guys that way.

Me- I Know, but who would it be?

Steve- I don’t know, I can’t even think of any.

Me- Do you have a man crush on Brad Pitt?

Steve- No. Not Brad Pitt.

Me- Too bad- I have a girl crush on Angelina. We could have had a foursome.

Steve- I totally have a man crush on Brad Pitt.

Lola Gold has her basket- Isn’t she beautiful? You’ll notice the it fits a six of red stripe beer purrrrfectly. Taken out of their handy dandy cardboard tote, I can fit 12. Thanks to Bill for helping me install it (read as- doing it all while I watched and drank beer) because it was quite the ordeal. There was taking apart, there was putting together and at one point there was a dremel involved. I probably would have ended up duct tapping it on.

I am extremely sore from gardening all day yesterday. (yes, I garden. I suck at it, but I garden nonetheless) and now I am off to pop a giant ham in the oven because though I may not believe in god, I definitely believe in ham.

Pre-long long weekend (Thanks Jebus!) My brain is a little fried and I will therefore do a TMI Thursday post highlighting one of my mother’s shinning moments. Yes, that’s right, I’m about to embarrass my mother and then go straight to daughter hell. I will see some of you there.

For anyone new here, my mother is her own personal gong comedy show. She’s a forgetful, ridiculous hippy that is ok with public embarrassment for a laugh. Examples of the aforementioned traits; When I lived in Europe she moved and forgot to tell me. When my brothers & I were small she took us to the zoo & shoved a rather large turtle in her purse to take home for us. When I finally got my period at 16 years old she brought a bright red cake TO MY HIGH SCHOOL.

So….You get the gist of my mother. She is a little wacko. No, she’s totally wacko. Today’s story takes place many years ago on the main drag of Kelowna. It’s a busy city with an over populated downtown core that sits right on the edge of an enormous lake. (Read as- unlimited witnesses.) After running her various errands, my mother jumped into her car which was parked nose in from the street (I forget which car she had at the time but all throughout my life her vehicles were very mechanically suspect and looked alarmingly homemade) Unintentionally throwing all caution and common sense to the wind, my Mother often drives with one foot on the dashboard, as was the case on this particular day. She started the car, planted her left foot on the dash, put it in gear and stepped on the gas with her right. Unfortunately, the gear she chose was first rather than reverse and the car promptly jumped on to the curb and smashed into the Royal Bank with a fair amount of force. Most parents would be horrified. June however, is not most parents. She found it hysterically funny as though it were a failed bank robbery attempt. The more she thought about it the harder she laughed and seeing pedestrians and bank employees rush out with shocked and frightened expressions just made it even more amusing. The bank manager tried to get some basic information from her (Are you ok? What’s your name?) but the more he inquired, the more uproariously she laughed until she finally peed her pants right there in the car.

They had to call an ambulance but not because she was injured. They called it because they thought she was an escaped lunatic.

My mom rules.

“My hands were so dry I was choking.”

-Crazy Lavern at work

(I would clarify if that were possible but I have no freaking idea.)