Those of you who have been around for a while are well aware of my rather lackluster attitude towards religion (at best) and my general disgust for it’s hypocrisy (at worst). I grew up without religion. My Mother-as I have stated many times-is a forgetful, loving, crazyass hippy who was force fed the Jehovah Witness dogma as a child. So fundamentally against what she saw, my mother rebelled with a vengeance. Her parents retaliated by first sending her to juvie hall for “disruptive behavior” and later by having her locked in a convent. Yes- that’s correct. The Jehovah witnesses locked their daughter in a Catholic convent. I guess they figured that their God had failed to reign her in so they may as well let one of the other ones available give it a whirl. Consequently, I grew up without religion. I was encouraged to test the waters on whichever ones tickled my fancy, but no pressure. I have never been baptized.

I tagged along with various friends to multi denomination church services and one of the first things that I noticed was that to attend church on Sunday, one had to dress up. You had to be polished and primped and glowing and your socks had to match. Apparently, God only likes pretty people and I had an enormous problem with this for several reasons.

#1- Since we were poor, my socks never matched and my version of “good clothes” resembled the play clothes of most others.

#2- It just pissed me off. Even as a kid I hated doing things that didn’t make sense simply because I was told to. This is coming from the girl who was kicked out of Brownies because the lady leader couldn’t give me a reasonable explanation as to where the quarter (that I was required to bring to each meeting) went. I had no problem paying it- I just needed to know what I was buying.

So, after being shot a zillion dirty looks for my less than sparkling attire, I decided that God must only like movie stars & barbies, bored housewives and models. Basically, I thought God was a huge snob, and it appears as though this assessment wasn’t too far off. Don’t believe me? Ask the Revrend William Blasingame of Staten Island. Since January of 2005 and up until he resigned earlier this year, the 66 year old Reverend has stolen over $85,000.00 dollars from the church to pay for his plastic surgery, botox treatments, and flashy clothes. The pilfered funds came from the church’s maintenance & beautification savings (though I’m pretty sure they meant beautification of the actual church rather than it’s aging leader) and from their “emergency fund” designed to help out parishioners in need.

See. Even the church leaders know that God only likes the pretty people. Who cares if you have to break a few commandments to be one…

(ps- Thank you TK for sending me this link, but mostly for knowing what a kick out of it I would get! you the best baby!)

It’s here. The weather is finally here. I know, I said that just last week and it snowed, but this time I’m serious. So serious in fact that I am sitting in my back yard in a tank top drinking a white wine & cranberry spritzer. Now that’s serious.

See. It’s so nice outside that the ice in my drink has melted!

I am glad for the warm weather for many reasons -including my sanity- and of course, I get to put away Maggi’s winter attire. This is a great relief to her as it has been pointed out that she looks like Chandler Bing in her sweater vest. I sadly must agree.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have been productive on this glorious day- my laundry is done, the entire house sparkles and so do Lola Gold’s rims and other chrome bits. Her basket hasn’t arrived yet but she did get a little prezzie earlier today. Is it wrong to love your bike so much that you consider letting her sleep in the house rather than the shed, lest she get chilly? Yes. I am one of those girls.

If you weren’t already jealous enough, did I mention that I make unbelievably fabulous sushi?

I do apologize, this post is very much like the bottom of my purse…. a whole lotta nothing.

Last night on The National “Point of View” segment

“The world’s economies are dancing on the edge of a cliff, governments are racing to head off catastrophe, yet here in Canada, the airbus/Mulroney/Karl Heinz Schreiber saga- it must be running now longer than The Simpsons, take a bow Sideshow Bob- makes another weary appearance.”

-Rex Murphy

I must mention 2 things of utmost importance today prior to reading the news (and promptly making them seem silly in the face of all the famine and rape & pillage that I will undoubtedly see….)

#1 I rode Lola Gold to work today and I swear to fucking Dog she purred the whole time. I was sleek, I was aerodynamic, I was…….well actually, I was clumsy as hell but I felt extremely cool and that’s all that counts.

#2 Bon Don gave me a little award on her blog which you can see here- I bring this to the attention of all because how often is it that a hot chick with cupcake boobs says she has a crush on you?

I win.

Let me preface the following by stating that I live in what is considered a semi desert. The summers are scorching, the surrounding hills are blanketed in sagebrush and hoodoos and we get spring early and winter late. Just the way I like it.

Ok….. So it is as though Mother Nature looked down from above, or up from below or from where ever the hell it is that she skulks around and said the following;

“Awww. Look at Kim’s flashy new bike. How cute. It’s April 2 which is perfect bicycle weather. Wouldn’t it be funny if it snowed?”

I’m fucking serious. Snow. In April. And I’m not talking about just a little tiny skiff of it either. I actually had to dig out the windshield scrapper and there was still snow all over my car by the time I got to work. It’s mostly sleet falling now, but there is still some white out there. If this was yesterday (April fools day) I would have assumed that it was just an elaborate prank pulled by one of the smaller towns close by. Seeing as it is April 2nd I can come to only one conclusion. Mother Nature hates Lola Gold.

Bitch.

I have purchased (and am consuming) victory beers. Lola Gold is mine. I realize that this is a very stripper friendly name, but nonetheless, she is called Lola. Lola Gold. 1960 era vintage Phillips cruiser hand made in the UK. Lola fucking Gold.

Before I formally introduce you- you need to keep a few things in mind… the photo below is her sans accouterments. The ultra smarmy wicker basket is on order, the fat brown leather cushy cruiser seat and the matching tan handle bar grips yet to come…. yes, you are seeing Lola almost naked as it were. She would be embarrassed if we all weren’t such close friends.

I will re-post in a week or two once she has had a chance to primp and powder.

So without further ado- Friends, may I introduce to you to the one and only, Miss Lola Gold!

Dear Asshole,

Ok listen here you little piece of fucking mucus- I’ve had enough! If this juvenile ridiculousness is amusing to you then you are in serious need of me punching you right in the throat. Because my place of business is on the “main drag” I already have to deal with all manner of “morning gifts” including broken beer bottles, used needles, random garbage and puddles of piss, so this latest crap is simply over the fucking line. You may think it’s funny to wander up and down in the downtown core shaking doors and windows in the middle of the fucking night to set off alarms, I however, do not. I am the alarm contact for my business and getting multiple fucking intruder alarm phone calls EVERY FUCKING NIGHT does not make me a very happy little bunny. What if someone was in real distress and the cops were delayed because they were responding to yet another false fucking alarm downtown? Ever think of that you little jackass?

One night I will stay at the office and drink beer and eat pizza and when you and your shit stain on the heel of humanity friends come along and bash against the doors at 3:30am and set the alarm off- I’m coming flying out that door with a fucking Louisville slugger and I’m going to beat your ass to jello.

Sincerely,

kim