Dear Asshole,

My “Dear Asshole” posts have been quite popular so I must start this one by letting you know that it is an ANTI-asshole post. I don’t often meet people who do a random kindness simply because they can, so I don’t have a “You’re fucking wonderful and remind me why I don’t climb a clock tower and shoot pedestrians” category.

So…… I buy a credenza that I LOVE from a thrift store. I will pull off the hardware and doors and it will become a long low shelf for the entrance way of the new place. (Yes, I know. It’s for the new place. Which we’re not moving into until September. Steve reminds me every day that I’m an obsessed freak.There is no room for the credenza in my current abode so it is sitting on top of my large wooden kitchen table-making it unusable-and if you think THAT is ridiculous, I can’t imagine how you’d feel about the fact that today I bought all of bedding for the spare room.) Ok, sorry. Back to the story… So the credenza that will be a shelf is purchased and hauled out to my car. I was sure it would fit.

Many attempts later, it is clear that it will not. I am devastated.

I go back in to enquire if they have any type of delivery service or will I have to hunt down someone with a fucking truck to bring home my shelf RIGHT FUCKING NOW because I can’t wait for anything. There is a woman in line, paying for her purchases and she hears me asking about delivery. She and her husband are here from Nanaimo visiting friends and just driving around. They load my credenza into their van, after moving a vast quantity of their belongings, and follow my car home where the credenza (forever to be known as “Nanaimo” even though I don’t normally name my furniture) is unloaded.

And then, waving and smiling, they drove away.

Wow. George Clooney is going to be pissed when he finds out that all of that campaigning for the people of Darfur was really unnecessary seeing as Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has denied that his army targeted and killed civilians. As the first sitting leader to be charged by the ICC with war crimes and crimes against humanity, Al-Bashir scoffs at the charges and says that the reported 300,000 killed is an exaggerated number. When defending a deadly attack on a refugee camp in Kalma in August 2008, al-Bashire had this to say;

“Our citizens were used as human shields by the rebels, therefore, it was only natural for our forces to carry out their operational duties. The shooting started from inside the camp, the soldiers returned fire and yes there were casualties. The issue was resolved with the citizens concerned.”

I love that last sentence….. “The issue was resolved with the citizens involved.” Resolved how? They’re dead you murdering fucking jackass! Or perhaps that is his version of resolved?

Saying that war crimes were not committed in Darfur strikes me as being rather similar to Cheney saying that the torture of prisoners was a good thing.

I wonder if they’re pen pals?

My mood has brightened like a 500 watt bulb and I dare say that I’m a little bit giddy. (and no, I have not begun mainlining smack.) Steve & I will be moving in September and nobody loves a move like I do. Hallefreakingluya guest room. I know, it’s a kazzilion months away, but nonetheless I am excited. I am also going out to see my baby Gray TOMORROW for a short but sweet 2 day visit. Susin & I shall lunch and gossip play in the park with the little man.

It’s nice to not want to kill people any more. It really is exhausting.

I have certainly spoken of her before- some of these tidbits you may already know, some you don’t. Either way, my mother is a character like no other. She shaped and molded me into the strange being that I am today and I am forever grateful. How do you adequately say “Thanks for being such a fucking weirdo that I had to see the beauty or humor in things?”

Oh, I know. You divulge her secrets…….

She sings Christmas carols when she drives. All. Year. Long. When she doesn’t know the words, she makes them up.

Making hash brownies is probably illegal so my mother probably **cough** didn’t make them. The doberman then didn’t eat the entire pan and have to get her stomach pumped.

When I was in grade 7 we lived on ichiban noodles for half a year so she could afford to send me to Seattle for 5 days on a school trip. When it was my billets turn to stay with us, she borrowed money and stocked the house with cool lunchbox food so I wouldn’t be embarrassed.

She refers to one of my ex’s (still to this day) as the “good looking stupid one.”

She says “I love you” a million times a day and now that I’m an adult, she will still tickle my back when I sit next to her.

She steals hospital gowns & jam packages and thought her hospital stay after her heart attack was lovey. “It’s like I have maids and I just lay around all day.”

She bought all three of us water beds on a “no down payment, no interest until….. deal. The beds were for Christmas. It was July.

Buying pot in an alley in Hawaii would be illegal so my mother *cough* didn’t do that on the trip that her sisters paid for. The pot didn’t turn out to be a bag full of seaweed either.

We were all allowed to decorate our rooms in whatever fashion we saw fit. Even if that included spray paint and a shopping cart.

She routinely “bumps” other cars in parking lots and drives away.

She called me to tell me she’d had sex. She hadn’t had sex since my step father was killed in an accident 10 years earlier. I was happy for her.

Her casual attention raised over half of the kids in our neighborhood & I have never had a curfew. I have also never ever lied to her about important things because I never had to.

Since childhood she has always joked that if I ever get married she would like to show up dressed as a bag lady with a shopping cart and play the flute. (She doesn’t actually play the flute and I have never married.)

She without question, thought of my best friend Susin as her own child. She would sometimes drive us to soccer practice in the Easter Seal “short bus” that she drove as a part time job. When Susin hung out the window drooling & grunting like she was retarded my mother stopped the bus, walked back and slapped her across the face. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

She let my 9 year old niece cut her hair because “it would be funny.”

She is forgetful and messy and financially irresponsible, but she will always make you laugh.

One of her part time jobs was at a fish truck. I was the poorest kid in school eating stolen shrimp & scallops for lunch.

When a hummingbird flew into our car she rolled up the windows to trap it and ran to get us so we kids could see it. By the time we got there the windows were covered in blood from it bashing itself to death in an effort to get out. “This is a dead hummingbird” is what she said.

Even though he cheated on her & rarely paid child support, she never made us hate our father.

When I was a toddler she was busted for shoplifting. She was stealing me an Easter dress.

She always, no matter what, has my back.

Thanks Momma. I love you up to the sky.

- The daughter.

xo

That’s right kiddies, an experimental swine flu vaccine. You heard me correctly. I just love when they put the word experimental before a new drug. Makes one feel all safe and warm and tingly inside doesn’t it? Also brings random words like Thlidimide and Vioxx to mind.

But then again, I’m crazy, so what the hell do I know?

As you were.

Since I’m still Bitchy Mcshittyface I will just recycle an old post here that is still rather fitting for today. Believe me, it’s easier on all of us this way. Even Steve, who has the patience of…..anyone but me, is getting tired of it I think. He brought me a present yesterday and I was still a bitch!!!!

Seriously, How I haven’t been clubbed to death is beyond me.