to desire the replica

posted by: Kim
posted on: July 31st, 2009

I’m posting a link to this post today for two reasons;

#1- I happen to be wearing this delightful dress today and no matter what your taste or style- you’ve got to admit that this dress is sex on wheels. (It’s also backless and so shows of the red star tattoos running down my spine and I’m the kinda girl that likes to show off now & then….)

#2- Just as the title says, I’m lazy. I’m slightly overworked and overtired and this is all that my lame ass can come up with today. I haven’t even had the time or the energy to read all of your blogs. I know. I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry! I will sit down over this glorious long weekend (in between guzzling beer and lounging on the beach with the dogs) to write something of some substance. Of course that substance could be a big Tupperware container filled with human feces, but I will produce nonetheless. Because I love you. See how giving I am? SEE??!!

Also, it must be said now that today marks exactly ONE week until this delectable little creature is inhabiting my guest room.

Seriously, if cannibalism weren’t so frowned upon in our uptight society, I’d eat him whole. Just look at that face!

It makes my uterus shiver in a good way.

(Poor kid has no idea what he’s in for. As I will purposely remain the childless godmother for all of eternity, he’s going to be the object of all my obsessive/smothering/ridiculous/obnoxious baby love.)

“C’mere Gray, Come sit on Aunties knee and give us a kiss. I don’t care if you don’t feel like it. GET OVER HERE AND LOVE ME!”

posted by: Kim
posted on: July 29th, 2009

You know when it’s so hot that your skin just weeps, your hair always feels sticky and damp like someone peed on you and you fantasize about running naked under the sprinkler that you just walked by?? That’s what’s going on in the BC interior right now. Yesterday was a little cooler than predicted- it only got to 39. For those of you in the USA that translates to “Holy fuck, I think my legs are melting.” This is the kind of weather that makes your eyeballs dry and your mouth taste like it’s stuffed full of sauna towels and pie shaped wedges of the sun.

I love hot days and I love cool nights. Currently, I’m only being satisfied 50% of the fucking time because there is no evening cool down period when the ball of fire sinks below the horizon and the breeze rolls in. When I went to bed last night it was still 26 outside. And I have no air conditioning. And things are touching my skin and breathing on me with what feels like molten lava breath. I would kick the dogs off of the bed but even I understand their need to be 4 feet closer to the ceiling fan.

posted by: Kim
posted on: July 28th, 2009

Because it is center of the fucking sun hot here I am posting an excerpt from one of my travel journals because I am too damn melty to think.

June 2001 Barcelona, Spain

“Barcelona by accident. I guess this is what happens after getting so shitfaced in France & thinking a random train trip would be funny. It’s hot and dirty and crowded and I love it! The trip from Paris was uneventful due to my epic hangover; I slept the entire way and arrived refreshed. My arrival was a bit of a shit scene as I couldn’t find a hostel-one of the down falls of no plans or planning while drunk- I ended up in a tiny cafe asking for directions. The woman there was so helpful and sweet that I have since been back several times to sit and have coffee or a cold beer with her. Her company is comfortable though I speak next to no Spanish and she next to no English, yet we are both relaxed. My first time at the cafe she put my water bottle in her cooler so it would be chilled when I left. Shit like that rules

The Barri Gotic is beautiful; narrow stone streets and buildings that seem to sigh with age but hum with life. I had dinner in Placa Rieal, tiny tapas and a big jug of sangria, and then wandered through the calm and quiet la Catedral which is like a cool damp oasis in the middle of this crazy wonderful city. The poverty is obvious and heart wrenching- I have lightened my pack of sneakers a sweatshirt and a pair of pants this morning to to the kids in the alley off of las Ramblas– it’s too fucking hot to carry more than the bare minimum.

The street busking around las Ramblas is incredible and include some rather elaborate productions; opera, dancing, puppet shows, full bands and the occasional short play all amid the stalls selling everything from wire cages of hens and doves to clothes or fruit. Mountains of bird cages, shouting voices and the never ending heat. Two old men; one with a length of chain and one with a dog leash had a rather heated tussle in the street last night. They had to be in their 70’s at least and it was broken up quickly with little damage done. Am currently having a beer in the shade and there is a strange old woman in the placa as I write this. She has a loaded shopping cart and is banging together 2 plastic bottles filled with stones. It’s very loud in this quiet corner and she does it for about 1 minute every 10. It isn’t clear if she is scaring away the pigeons or attempting some sort of busking. I took in a Dahli exhibit in one of the old buildings which was fantastic, and the Sangra familia was surprisingly easy to find, and worth the trip for it’s bizarre factor alone.

The people that I have come in contact with thus far in Barcelona have been so kind; the lobby of my little hostel had a table of coffee and packaged cornbread–I asked the cleaning lady how much they were and she said “One free.” I took a coffee and a bread and she looked around then shoved 2 more in my pack. “For later.” She whispered. “You get hungry.” I must remember these kindnesses when I get home next year. Maybe I will be less of a bitch if I remember these things. Doubtful, but worth a try.”

posted by: Kim
posted on: July 27th, 2009

My dog Maggi is sick today. I’ve been up with her since 4:30 am and now I’m at work. Fretting. She’ll be fine, it’s happened before and will happen again–she’s covertly eaten some nasty “alley surprise”–and now her stomach is all blown up like a balloon and she has that “Mom, please help me I’m dying” look on her wee little face. Steve is at home with her, but I will still fret. All day. I might even leave early.

Can you imagine if I had children? I would be the mother that puts her kid in a bubble by choice, rather than for disease protecting necessity. In fact, even though Susin is probably rolling her eyes so violently right now that they may pierce the back of her skull, I’d like to order this little man a bubble. I really would. It would have cool fun shit in it (with rounded soft corners) but it would be a bubble nonetheless.

If I had kids they would have to learn karate or something because otherwise, my kids would definitely get the shit kicked out of them.

Well, as much as the bubble would allow.

posted by: Kim
posted on: July 23rd, 2009

Dear Asshole,

Don’t you dare look shocked that I just screamed at you in a parking lot full of strangers, or that in my smarmy “office attire” I look too nice to use words like “shit for brains”, “fuckface” and “asshat”. You’re just damn lucky that you dragged your sorry ass across the street before I smashed out your fucking window. It’s 37 degrees outside you moronic asshole. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DOG IN THE CAR! I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re a 95 year old woman or a 26 year old body builder, I will make you feel like the piece of shit that you are being because there is no excuse for that. NONE! I will be loud, I will be angry, I will draw great amounts of attention to you, and I will be on the verge of ripping out your goddamn throat the entire fucking time. And just so you know, your dog is a better fucking person that you are.

Was that clear enough? Let me know if there is any confusion. I’d be happy to reiterate.


posted by: Kim
posted on: July 21st, 2009

It’s summer in the BC interior which means that today is hot. Blissfully, torturous, glaringly hot. I live exactly 9 minutes-walking with the dogs-from the river. The river is cool. Blissfully, tortuously, glaringly cool.

The air is dry and when you step out from indoors there is a brief searing on your skin. Sunglasses are mandatory. So is the river.

It’s only 36 today but by Friday it will be 39-40 degrees. For those of you in USAville, that’s 102-104.  We most definitely do not live in igloos.

Even the bees and butterflies and such are lazy in this weather. They fly more slowly. They sit in the shade. Stores sell more ice cream, bars sell more cold beer in frosted glasses, and everyone has a favorite patio. There are summer dresses. There are flip flops.

The hills surrounding my city are filled with wild sage, tiny bright flowered cactus and desert hoodoos. It looks like a movie set against the blue sky. Fat ripe apricots drop from branches all over town making the air sticky sweet.

Floating gently down the river on a tube with a six pack tied behind you in the water is a city wide pastime. The dogs nap under giant maple trees and all meals are made outdoors. The neighborhood smells of BBQ every night. If you listen closely, you can hear the psssst! of beers being opened all down the block.

It’s summertime in the BC interior which means that today is hot. Blissfully, tortuously, glaringly hot.

posted by: Kim
posted on: July 20th, 2009

Let me start off by saying that I do not bake. It just isn’t my thing. I’m a wicked cook, but my baking skills are right up there with a basket of half drown kittens. It’s just too exact for me. If the recipe calls for 1/4tsp of something- they mean it. I want to make food, not feel like I’m back in high school science. I’m more of a “throw shit in” kinda girl. This weekend however, we raided the ICBC apricot tree next door and somehow, Martha Steward crawled outta my ass and took over my kitchen.

Ps- Martha- I still hate you. I also now hate apricots.

Lola Gold has a boyfriend. We’ve named him Jason Redhot.

Maggi & Lucy seem to be getting on well (with very little jealousy rearing it’s growling and snarling head.)

Lucy has discovered toys. When she came to us she didn’t know “toy” or “treat” or “water dish” or “play.” She knew “cage” “hamster water bottle” and “squeeze me out another $5000.00 worth of fucking puppies!” So, upon discovering “toys” (and Maggi shares well) she lost her mind a little. She was throwing a soft ball in the air for herself and scampering all over the wood floor chasing shit. Then the terrier in her came out and she decided they were all HERS. She spent the evening covertly dragging them- one by one- to her bed. She gets a little gollum-ish when you give her something. You can almost hear her whispering. “My precious. You are mine. All mine.

posted by: Kim
posted on: July 19th, 2009