I am stressed and I am burnt and I am now on vacation.

Holy Mary Mother of Dog!!!!

For someone who travels for 6 months to a year at a time- it has been 5 years since I have gone anywhere for more than a few days for the purpose of absolute relaxation and that’s just fucking wrong.

Today is Wednesday and I have gotten off of work, cracked a beer and walked the dogs. On Monday, Suz & I shall spend a week in a swanky hotel just a stones through from my old apartment in downtown Vancouver. There will be shopping, eating at my much missed favorite restaurants, and there will be drinks in the hot tub at 9am.

No men, no baby Gray, no dogs. Just the gals.

“Oh hellllo Mr. Vacation. How very nice to see you. Really? Ok. I would love to accompany you back to your place. No, I think I’ll leave my pants on this time but thanks anyway. I’ve missed you terribly.”

The dreams are an interesting side effect of the quit smoking drugs- it’s as though the crazies attack me at night. As soon as I fall asleep, some whacked out guy on mushrooms or acid turns on the projector in my head and the crazy splashes up on the screen. Rather than the epic saga like dreams that I am accustomed to- a start, a middle and a defined end- the crazy dreams jump all over the map. They overlap, they come in snippets, and they’re in bright vivid colours.

I haven’t seen the Johnny Depp Alice in Wonderland yet but considering the previews, I imagine that the drug induced world in my sleeping brain looks something like that set. The last few nights have included these twisted little flashes…….

1- It was evening and I looked up into the sky and thought “There are far too many planes up there.” You could see the vapor trail or whatever the hell it is behind them and there were literally dozens of planes within my site. As I was looking up one seemed to pass awfully close to another and I continued to watch as the plane got bigger and bigger as it fell to earth. It crashed into a bright orange fireball a block from where I was standing.

2- I am moving into a new place and am checking out all of the bizarre little rooms and liking it but there is a lot of weird furniture that has been left behind including a blue coat rack made out of a tree branch and a hockey stick and a very furry pink couch.

3- I am in the mountains living off the land because there has been some sort of apocalypse. I live in a cave which appears to be quite comfortable except for the fact that there is a raging river right outside the entrance and I have to hopscotch across some bright green and very slippery stones every time I go out to forage.

4- My brother punched me in the face and I called the cops and he went to jail. (Incidentally, both of those things have happened in real life several times but as completely separate events.) After they took him to jail there was a big party in this weird basement and I was mad because the DJ kept playing music that I hated. I eventually kicked everyone out and went upstairs to light the house on fire.

Here’s another weird thing about the champix dreams- I can’t always remember them passed 5 minutes after waking but maybe that’s a good thing?

So I zipped out to k-town to spend the day with baby Gray and have a sleepover. Yes- it was lovely. I am the best aunty in the world and Gray is the best kid & we are in lovelovelove!

So besides some quality time with my little monster, I picked up Suz from work and we made a quick dash to the good old liquor store for a a case of cold bevy’s to go with dinner.

I got ID’d.

I turned 40 in January. Four-Zero.

I didn’t have my purse with me, just cash and the keys so I laughed, refrained from sticking my tongue down the guys throat in appreciation, and pushed the beer and a couple of $20’s over to Suz. That was when he said that she now couldn’t buy it either- even with ID- as it was clear that she was “bootlegging” for me. Suz thinks it’s clever at that point to ask me to flash him my tits to prove I’m 40. (bitch)

Yes, the guy was just doing his job, but seriously…………….WTF???

We actually had to drive to a different store. I’m not fucking kidding.

Dear Asshole,

You malicious little piece of shit thief. Yes, Suz & Stan’s insurance will cover the cameras, the laptop and the video camera that you broke in and wandered off with yesterday. What they cannot cover, recover, or replace are the pictures of baby Gray- every single one that they’ve taken in the last two years- that were stored in the computer.

You ignorant little fuck.

Sincerely,

Kim

I have given up, waved the white flag, thrown in the towel and whatever other catchy phrase you can think of. When it comes to quitting smoking, I have no fucking willpower. No, I have LESS than no will power. I’m at about a negative 5, so I’ve conceded to taking the crazy pills to help me walk away from my great love dirty vice.

One of the side effects are techno-colour “I just dropped acid” Michael row your boat ashore kind of dreams and I’ve decided to chronicle them for you.

So…. last nights adventure went something like this;

I live in a milkshake cup- you know the type- the paper cups with the waxy coating. It’s decorated with stripes like a barber pole but in light pink & yellow (never have I witnessed such a horrific colour combination.) I am not sure if I am very tiny or the cup is very large, either way, I have a bed, a desk, pictures on the walls and even a throw rug. Running through the center of my milkshake cup/house is an enormous transparent straw, which is my front door. I have to shimmy up the fucking thing every time I leave the cup. For whatever reason, I have to do so covertly to ensure that no one discovers me. Each time that I am scratching and clawing my way up the straw I am overwhelmed with a sense of panic as I fear some hapless human sucking me up.

*blink*

You should see how pissed she gets if we dare to sit on her majesty’s throne.

Dear catholic church,

Why do you make it so bloody easy to hate you? Considering the sins of your most faithful, most fervent follows, it’s a damn good thing that your particular god only needs an “Oops! Sorry about that!”" for the slate to be wiped clean. It’s okay to rape and pillage and murder- then cover it all up- as long as you apologize.

Oh, and then after you sexually abuse untold numbers of small children under the guise of your religious superiority, you can actually ask your parishioners to help foot the bill for the resulting lawsuit. How clever of you!

Count your lucky stars that the catholic church thinks this is all okay because if you were a member of The Religion of Dog, we’d rip your fucking throat out.

Sincerely,

Kim

Seriously people, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. The church is asking it’s members to chip in to help raise the 10 million Euro settlement against it after dozens of it’s priests were found guilty of child sexual abuse going as far back as 1962

“If Christ was here, he would be burning down the Vatican, and I for one would be helping him.”

I couldn’t agree with you more Sinead. I mean, if I believed in him in the first place.

A small departure from my regular dear asshole posts- this one isn’t actually directed at anyone in particular. Shocking, I know.

Dear Asshole,

Today is one of those days when I just hate. I hate you, and you, and you over there. You’re ok, but you, yes you, are a fucking idiot. But you, you I adore, your friend though, total asshole.

So today there are many assholes. In fact, there seem to be assholes everywhere and hence today being a day of HATE. I hate that our government is reviewing the lyrics to Oh Canada rather that getting some actual fucking work done, I hate that the olympics have us in BC so far in the hole that we can’t see the light, I hate that I have to listen to whiny fucking people on a constant basis and yet I’m not allowed to punch them. I also hate the way my deodorant smells today. I hate people who don’t pick up their dog shit and people who throw wrappers on the ground because they’re so fucking lazy. I hate that people are getting away with murder.

Today there are far too many assholes to count. And to you all, I’m looking desperately for a fucking well to throw you down.

Sincerely,

Kim