to desire the replica

posted by: Kim
posted on: April 30th, 2010

I normally only see my doctor  once a year when he has a bunch of lubed up fingers jammed inside me but after a brief visit this morning due to the KNIFESTABBINGHOLYFUCKKILLME pain, I apparently have sacrumilliosis or illadus or chittychiitybangbang, whatever the hell he said. This essentially means that my right side sacrum & ilium are having a giant fucking pissing match. That normally sexy spot where the dimples sit right above your ass…. yeah, right there. Oh, and because that isn’t nearly exciting enough, let’s throw in 2 inflamed disks. Why not? Canes are a fucking fashion statement, right? RIGHT!!??

It’s not like we were covered in grape jelly and playing giddy up in a fucking sex swing yesterday. I don’t even like grape jelly.

So I’m sitting at home buzzing on T3’s and drinking wine. Did I mention that it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon and that I’m sitting at home buzzing on T3’s and drinking wine?

Because apparently I stepped on an ant or karmicly fucked someone over in another life, I now have a weird stiff limp, a cane, and a permanent wince on my face. Yeah, I’m pretty hot right now. Throw in a little drool and I’m a fucking super model.Try to stop licking your screen ok? It’s super creepy.

posted by: Kim
posted on: April 28th, 2010
posted by: Kim
posted on: April 27th, 2010

So about a zillion years ago I put up a post about M.I.A’s “Paper Planes” which, much to my surprise, is still one of my popular posts to date. So now she’s back- post baby-with more to say. Of course, you could take the easy way out and say “Hey! Born Free” is like a resurgence of the good ‘Ol “kick a Ginger day.

Uhm, not quite what I think she means. (Of course, strip away all of the overt statements about governments treatment of people based on skin, religion, geography or finances and hey, maybe she really doesn’t like gingers- how the hell should I know?)

My favorite subtle little sting? The fact that the rounding up of people wasn’t done by some faceless nameless guerrilla force. (Anyone else flash briefly to the new immigration bill passed in Arizona?) That would be easy. That would be boring. Those US shoulder patches were small but spoke volumes. It’s a brilliant video- some might think it gratuitously violent- but forget the blood and guts and beatings and look at what it’s actually saying. Think about the message- the story- that she is telling.

And no, it’s not that she hates gingers, you idiot.

M.I.A, Born Free from ROMAIN-GAVRAS on Vimeo.

posted by: Kim
posted on: April 22nd, 2010

Today is the day when all the otherwise uninterested people get to pretend to recycle, care about their carbon imprint, and seriously think about donating to the WWF.

To me, earth day is sort of like St. Patrick’s Day. Suddenly everyone you know is spouting about their 1/457th of Irish heritage when in reality it’s just a ploy to avoid that pesky “drunk in public” charge at 8am.

Mother Earth knows this. She’s kinda like Santa that way, she knows who’s been naughty and who’s been nice. Given this fact, there are some factory owners that should be expecting to be hit by lightning one day because make no mistake people, she may be patient, but she is also a vengeful temptress with a wicked sense of humour. There will be a day when she simply rolls her giant shoulders and shrugs off our human race like the parasites that we are.

She may be biding her time, but trust me, she’s mighty fucking pissed at us right now.

posted by: Kim
posted on: April 20th, 2010

All I’ve got is a little bit of the random today. Considering the fact that I have been mostly masturbating to old Rick Springfield albums in the broom closet absent from the blog world, I’m lucky that I can even pull “random” outta my ass right now.

I would like to discuss my zit. I know- boring as a pap smear right? No. This one is different. It’s taken up seemingly permanent residence to the right of my nose and by permanent I mean that it’s been there for OVER A FUCKING MONTH. (Being that I wasn’t a zitty kid growing up and missed most of that horror in high school, this fact amuses Susin greatly.) If you’re still wondering what the hell I’m whining about, let me elaborate on my month long face tenant that has affectionately been named Guadeloupe.

It’s size is such that it casts a shadow on my nose.

This is serious business people. One of the ever helpful gals at work tells me this toothpaste trick which is “guaranteed to work.” Unbeknown to me, toothpaste apparently kind of sort of burns it away and said co worker failed to mention any required restraint on my part with regards to amount of toothpaste applied or duration that it was to stay on my face. Being the clever girl that I am I slathered that shit on and left it there for practically an entire weekend. This of course resulted in Guadeloupe being transformed from a happy go lucky zit mountain that refused to erupt to an angry shiny red and then later peeling and brown BURN. Yes, you heard that correctly. I burned my fucking face with toothpaste. As for that “guarantee” of it working……the burn incident healed about 2 weeks ago. Guadeloupe is still there, proud as ever and ready to put together her own fucking facebook page.

The girls at work are now convinced it’s a tumor. I no longer care and am shopping for mini sombreros to help her accessories.

I would secondly like to mention my new underwear. I bought a fuck ton in Van but this one particular style- silky lacy boy shorts- are the Stanley cup of underwear. (Feel free to use the word “panties” if you like but know that I’ll whack you upside the head with your stupid Holly Hobby lunch kit.) So I’m wearing a pair of them to work under a loose summer dress the other day and not once, not twice, but three fucking times I felt the cold hard knife of panic slice through my chest.

“Oh Fuck! I’m wearing a short dress to work and forgot to put on underwear.”

THAT my friend, is what I call comfort.

posted by: Kim
posted on: April 16th, 2010

Dear Asshole,

Hey fucktard! Yes, my dog Maggi is well trained. Yes, she will patiently sit at the door of my local gas station- unleashed-and wait while I (holding an always frightened  wee Lucy in my arms) pick up smokes. Can you give me one good fucking reason as to why you felt it necessary to taunt her, you “still acting like I’m a teen but my receding hairline says more like late 30’s” piece of shit? And why, you ragging fucking moron, do you find it shocking that I stepped out and basically verbally bitch slapped you. How could that have possibly been surprising given the fact that you were overtly trying to terrify my dog?

The look on your face was, I must admit, rather amusing. Almost made it worth it. Made me wish that I had one of those shitty little super hero rings so I could raise my fist to the sky, shout some bizarre little mantra and watch as all 26lbs of Maggi suddenly morphs into a Clifford-esque sized dog but with a bad fucking attitude and just a wee touch of “the rabies.”

I’d go back into the store and pick up a bag of ripple Lays so that I’d have something to munch on while I watched her rip out your fucking throat.

Sincerely,

Kim

posted by: Kim
posted on: April 15th, 2010

If you’re not a member of the rather exclusive M+ then you may be totally unaware that Mr. Matthew Good is getting married today. Well, ok, so he told non-members too, but let me revel in a wee bit of snobbery for a moment, will ya??!! Congrats out to my favorite BC musician and  I can now hear his song “She’s in it for the money” finally dying a quiet little death.

posted by: Kim
posted on: April 12th, 2010

Well holy fuck on a stick…….. How does one describe it properly? First off- I forgot my bloody camera which is very unlike me- secondly, after about 18 hours of pure panic I felt quite liberated by that fact that I no longer felt obligated to document every blindly vibrant print, classically urban Van moment or dewy yellow lemon in the market. Yes, I am regretful in some small way but in my mind it is all so clear….the only two shots taken are this one  which I feel is the epitome of Vancouver and one taken on Susin’s phone while we had beers……

I have folded and put away the copious amount of clothes that I bought, I have unwrapped the plates and the ramekins and the giant ikea frames, I have put away the super awesome and unpronounceable military grade herbal patches that I can only find in Chinatown and I have made our bed with the beautiful hand stamped print that I bought to replace the one I bought there 10 years ago……..

It was fucking delightful. Drinks with Suz in the hot tub after a long day shopping, finding the little Jewish bakery I remembered that sell the best fucking grilled vegetable knish you’ve ever tasted or discovering that the same old Tosco’s Italian import grocery still sits randomly (and just as dusty) as ever in Chinatown or the 70 billion mile olive bar down at Minirvish….

Having dinner and drinks with old friends Lise  & Richard or finally meeting and having wine and great conversation with Phaedra (whose sketch done while in Italy is already framed and hung) or loud drinks at the bar I use to run (oh the good old Cambie!- great for drinks- just don’t use the bathroom- it’s nasty as fuck.) Picking up some fruit and cheese on Granville Island and the muscles clinging to the rocks under the dock as we waited for the water taxi.

It’s been 5 years since I lived in downtown Vancouver and I was a little concerned as to what I would find in both the wake of the olympics and the time away. The fact that there are no longer trees on Granville, the inundation of “trendy” spots that are all exactly alike and the fact that buses no longer stop on Granville (WTF!!! HATE THAT! If I wanted to go down Seymore I would have!!!!)

The olympics have definitely left their scar as I knew they would- the woman on Granville Island talking to Suz about the promises made and broken or the dead zones that you see where small but fabulous “mom & Ppop” operations use to flourish. However, I have to say, my trip “home” was better than I thought it would be. I don’t know what I expected.. I left being done with the city, loving parts of it, but knowing that I was beginning to see it as a city of angry people. Over the last week I wandered the streets in the dark and felt comfortable.

I smelled the sea, I had a knish and took in the sights and smells of the place that was once my world and better yet, I did it with my best friend of 30 years and a clear charge card.

Fuck I hate Monday.