to desire the replica

posted by: Kim
posted on: June 29th, 2010

I have a long list today but it starts off with the fact that I am hopeful that Steve sees this new post in his reader and goes out and picks me up a bottle of wine. It has to go first on the list because I swear that he only skims my posts. Fucker. Plus I want the wine really bad so it should be first.

Other slightly less important things that I am hopeful for;

*I am hopeful that our plane doesn’t crash when we whip out to Edmonton this weekend for Ckenzie’s wedding. She has been like a daughter to me since she was 8 and though her dad and I dated for less than a year and I lost touch with him about a decade ago, she still calls me mom.

**I am hopeful that Steve still wants to fly home with me on Sunday. As a large contingent of my father’s side of the family happen to live in Edmonton my fantastic Uncle Darcy will be hosting a big bbq in honour of my rather rare visit. There will be loads of us of all ages and ungodly amounts of booze and laughter and someone will fall in the fire at some point, even if there isn’t one. I will do drunken wheelies in my Uncle Dale’s wheelchair for at least a half hour on the back deck or until Dale throws a beer can at me from the grass, or wherever I have unceremoniously dumped him.

Steve will be meeting them all for the first time. They will undoubtedly recount the time I was spending the summer in Alberta with my father and he pulled a rifle on a guy I was holding hands with on the couch while whispering a low and frighting “What are your intentions with my daughter?” When the boy eventually started breathing again my father simply giggled and walked away. They may also bring up the time a date came to pick me up and my father and 7 of his 9 siblings answered the door. They scrutinized him in total silence while he stood awkwardly outside wondering what to do until one of my uncles finally yelled out “Fuck it! Don’t like the look of this one, let’s string him up!”

Again, Steve will be meeting them all for the first time. Fuck.

**I am hopeful that my damn receptionist gets back from her 400 year holiday soon. I hate people and I want to beat the shit outta the fucking photocopier.

***I am hopeful that baby Gray remembers the fun days like last Sunday when he’s older. Sitting with Auntie Kim having lunch and then traipsing around the wildlife park and having to kidnap him with a modified full nelson out of the bouncy room and throwing him down the slide lest we never be able to leave the park.

***I am hopeful that Susin’s husband Stan never again accidentally orders 50 wings instead of 15 on wing day. 50 hot and 50 garlic. Despite the 100 wing fiasco in the afternoon, he still managed to polish off the bulk of his dinner at the Mexican place we went to before the Kelowna Matt Good show. I am also hopeful that the four of us will have many many more of those patio dinners when we laugh so hard margarita comes out of places that it shouldn’t.

****I am hopeful Steve goes to pick me up a bottle of wine that is waiting for me when I get home from work. A big one. Yes, I know I’ve already said that. Shut up.

*****I am hopeful that my crazy lovely mother has many more birthdays ahead of her. When I phoned her yesterday she said “My birthday? Today?” *obvious sounds of flipping pages in the background, maybe a calendar or maybe the phone book- with her you never know* “Oh look! It is! Wow, I’m 83 today!” (Just for the record, she’s 62 but is desperately looking forward to when she “looks” old enough to act batshit crazy in public and get away with it. You laugh because you think I’m kidding. You clearly haven’t met my mother. She will pee her pants in public the first chance she gets. Do not doubt me on this.)

*****Lastly I am hopeful that Steve bought wine. or beer. I could really handle a nice cold beer while walking the dogs later.

posted by: Kim
posted on: June 26th, 2010
posted by: Kim
posted on: June 22nd, 2010

Monday morning, I have to tell you, was shaping up to be the start of a craptastic week. I wasn’t holding out much hope of feeling any less stabby than I stated the day.

So how does one change that tumble down the shit water-slide? How about a last minute invite from Matt Good to go to the sound check for the Kamloops show, watch the boys fuck around on stage in a big empty theater and then lounge for a good long while in the sun bullshitting with the band and 5 other people. Should that not be enough, how about if Matt graciously puts you on the guest list (with wicked seats I might add) because you have tickets for the Kelowna show tomorrow.

Yeah. That would do it.

I don’t know who I owe karmically but they need a thank you card or a case of bourbon.

posted by: Kim
posted on: June 16th, 2010

Excuse the absence my pretties…..I kind of have a big bowl of diarrhea on my plate. With a side of hate.

Work is currently a pressure cooker of everything that gives birth to grey hair. Then my freelance writing gig has just heaped an ungodly amount of work on to my “unable to say no” lap and holyfuckinghell. My dog also just broke my favorite (and at the time very full) wine glass with the 700 foot stick that she had in her mouth.

Oh, and in my day job, my receptionist- the guardian that keeps the rabid salesmen away- is in Winnipeg awaiting the birth of her first grandchild. I love her and am excited about her new family addition but because this blog is all about ME I have to lament her absence in that I had to deal with the crazy fucking spa product chick that I’ve hated for 3 years and who Karen knows well to keep far away from me least I punch her in the throat.

So… having said that… I miss you all. I haven’t visited any blogs since my legs felt freshly shaved and I can’t see this changing in the next week. Stick with me gang, I’ll provide porn and free product samples soon. Or at least I’ll blog about wanting to have porn and free product samples.

Oh, and did I mention that I’m working towards launching a kick ass food blog?

Yeah. I need more wine.

On the up side, Steve and I zip out to Kelowna on Wednesday to see my other boyfriend Matt Good in concert. This is prefaced by a wee visit with my baby Gray before Suz Stan & Steve & I head out for an awesome mexi dinner and then some swooning (or at least Suz & I) over Mr. Good.

I definitely need more fucking wine.

posted by: Kim
posted on: June 10th, 2010

So the Good clan grows……..

Between the little cutie his wife brought along and the one that is currently incubating in her oven, we may have a Good family band yet! It will be like the Partridge family- I mean, if the Partridge family blogged about human rights, politics and how to shit bomb someone with the stealth of a ninja.

I’m hoping for a bizarre celebrity name. I’m also hoping the first baby pic to eventually hit his blog has the wee one in the ever popular though rarely seen “I hear Matt Good is a real asshole” onesie.

Congratulations!

(I told Steve that my “other boyfriend” was pregnant & he seemed genuinely pleased. Damn fine man, him.)

posted by: Kim
posted on: June 4th, 2010

This is my Friday. This is what it feels like when the stars are all aligned.

*The gorgeous shiny solid metal pasta maker that I ordered online arrived. I always have things delivered to my office as no one is at home so it was a little awkward when everyone saw me making out with it. Of course they’ll forget all about that when I come in on Monday with Lobster stuffed ravioli in a thyme and brown butter sauce! HA!

**I leave in the morning for a sleepover with Suz & my baby Gray. We shall spend the day at the water park with a picnic lunch and a giggly little boy. I have recently purchased a wicked new camera so I will undoubtedly spend an inordinately large quantity of time snapping pics of him. If he grows up thinking paparazzi is normal then I fear I will be to blame.

***I just received an email telling me that the smarmy rowing machine that we bought will be leaving the warehouse on it’s way to me.

****I have cold pizza in my lunch. (Hence the necessity for the rowing machine I suppose.)

Yes- this is what it feels like when the stars are aligned. Happy Friday everyone.

posted by: Kim
posted on: June 1st, 2010

They have to be shitting their pants right now. In fact- the whole industry is most likely shitting their pants because we all know that Obama has to do something big. He has to take steps to ensure this doesn’t become “Obama’s Katrina”. (Yes- comparing the two is completely ridiculous, however, in response time……….. uhm.)

So this is how I see it. The flame is slowly moving from BP towards the government. People hate BP- they hate them with the fire of a thousand suns- but because the government has continued to let BP “handle it” and continue to fumble it, Obama is going to start taking a lot of fucking heat.  This being said- Obama is going to have to make some sweeping changes and some major moves to the oil industry to ensure that this doesn’t blow up in his face. I’m pretty sure that’s where this whole “they may face criminal charges” thing stems from. I think we’re all well aware that this will never happen (civil suits? yes. Criminal- I seriously fucking doubt it) but it makes it sound as though action is being taken while they scramble to figure out an actual action to take.

Hence the whole oil industry starting to shit it’s pants. This is no longer a BP problem. They will all have to deal with Obama’s response to this disaster.

And they won’t like it.

On the up side- it’s keeping the shit scene that is Israel right now off of most front pages.

Holy hell…… nobody fucks shit up like we “higher beings” do huh?

posted by: Kim
posted on: June 1st, 2010

There are times when people share too much information and make you shift and rock on your heels uncomfortably. This might be one of those times.

#1- I once peed my pants on the way from a hostel to the train station in a small village in Switzerland.

#2- Despite their perky disposition I have never named my breasts. I have recently discovered that many women do this and I find it odd.

#3- I regularly have dreams about the end of the world as we know it.

#4 - On my 23rd birthday I drank 21 sambucca shooters, alternating black and white. I couldn’t manage the the last 2. I did not puke.

#5- On my 32nd birthday while drinking in a bar in Germany a random and very drunk young US soldier came over and bit me on the shoulder hard enough to require a tetanus shot and leave a scar. I punched him in the face.

#6- I once made a tower of Russian Roulette shooters and lit them on fire in some random bar in London. I did this topless because I apparently cannot turn down a good dare.

#7-I am genuinely freaked out by clowns and I genuinely think that they are all pedophiles.

#8- I have watched 2 people die and once had to identify a friend in the morgue which is far less glamorous than CSI Miami makes it out to be.

#9- I cannot blow my nose in public. No matter what.

#10- I would be a total chain smoking alcoholic if it were socially acceptable.

#11- I once made a girl eat dog shit.

#12- While randomly hitchhiking around town with Susin as a teen, a creepy weird old biker dude offered us a 6 pack of black label and then leaned over and pinched my nipple. EWWWWWWW! it still makes me shiver.

#13- I fucking hate whiners. I hate them so hard that I have to forcibly stop myself from stabbing them.

#14- If I had to to protect myself or my loved ones, I could easily kill someone. No question.

#15- I once had a threesome with an ex & a really HOT female friend.