So I was scanning the paper this morning and stumbled upon this little gem…..

“Britain sets limit of 225 nuclear warheads”

Correct me if I’m wrong here, but couldn’t you nuke the ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET with about half a dozen? Of course if that number seems ludicrous, let’s just remember that the US has something like 5000 of the suckers.

No……. I wouldn’t call that overkill at all.

In other news, the very next page and therefore almost as important, is a substantially longer story detailing the new music label that Ellen Degeneres is starting.

Some days I genuinely feel like I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole.

Great rivers of oil are gushing into the water at an astonishing rate and BP still can’t stop the flow. They have fucked up royally and we all know it. They know we know it. They hold press conference after press conference about their greatest new idea to save the day and the tone isn’t one of shame or horror, it’s more like “Rally the troops! Let’s figure it out gang!” It’s almost as though he hopes to have us all get behind their valiant effort while attempting to administer a verbal lobotomy on us with his soothing “There’s no I in team, folks!” bullshit.

What I find interesting about this whole shit show is how people are reacting to it. Yes, everyone cried foul after Exxon when down and emptied it’s belly in the water, but then it was over and the clean up began and it slowly drifted off of the front page. Eventually people forgot. Ok, maybe not David Suzuki, but it did lose it’s shock & horror value once we stopped seeing the dead oil covered animals on the news every night. Let’s face it people, we forget. Not everyone obviously, but “Middle America” has a history of forgetting rather quickly. (I do mean us Canadians as well but “Middle Canada”  doesn’t have the same ring- makes us sound like a weird tribe of hobbits from a Tolkien novel- and we all know that can’t be true since hobbits don’t live in igloos.)

So- yes, we forget. However…. I think this one might be different. As the BP spill is lacking the normal “Spill, cry, clean up, and move on” formula, we stand far less of a chance of forgetting. It’s still fucking gushing and growing and killing and destroying.

And it might take months to stop it.

We’ll be watching this for months- watching the oil take over the water- and watching BP try to blame others even though something as stupid as a $500,000.00 acoustic switch which they said was “too expensive” to install could have prevented this, and even though just last year BP lobbied hard against tighter safety regulations for the industry. (Roy has an excellent post over at Matt’s all about this greed fuckery)

Will a man made disaster of this magnitude be enough to force politicians out of bed with the oil the companies and make it easier for them to side with the environment rather than the stack of dollar bills? As we watch oil pour into the sea month after month while BP fumbles around, will it enrage us enough to really give a shit and demand change? And I mean demand it until it happens, not just demand it until it’s time to go pick the kids up from school or time to go back to work and “here- can you hold this rally sign for me, I gotta drive to starbucks for a latte.” Because make no mistake kiddies- politicians loooove waiting us out because we stamp and scream and holler until it’s time to go on that golf trip or weekend drive up to the wine country. “I know there’s a boycott, but this shit was already planned!”

We always cave and they know it.

Maybe BP fucked up so big and so bad that we won’t cave this time. Maybe we’ll just keep stamping and screaming and hollering until they cave.

So I swing by London Drugs this morning and as I’m standing in line with my holy shit I can’t wait to eat you Hardbite Himalayan salt chips, I can’t help but notice the guy at the checkout ahead of me. It wasn’t the flashy black suit jacket paired with the faded black jeans or the shiny black loafers made out of buttery soft looking leather. No, it was none of those things. It was the $487.00 worth of Claritin that he was buying. A stack of little blue boxes piled up so high that oxygen masks dropped from the ceiling, least we all fall ill with altitude sickness.

He wasn’t standing there twitching or picking at gaping sores on his face or the imaginary bugs crawling up his arms, but he may as well have been. His unassuming well dressed self was still betrayed by the giant fucking wall of Claritin boxes between him and the checkout lady, so really, even having METH LABS INC. tattooed across his forehead couldn’t have made it any more obvious than it already was.

My deadpan “Real bad allergies, huh?” was followed by him staring at me like you would a basket of kittens. I mean, if the kittens had been put through a sausage grinder then fried up on a George Foreman grill and served with a little lye sauce for dipping.

I guess it’s not totally surprising that no one else seemed to notice or care being that we were in London Drugs at 9:45am therefore me & Mr. McMeth were probably the only ones in the store that didn’t watch the moon landing live on the telly box. I’m sure that more than one of those motorized scooter driving, polyester slack wearing centurions were thinking;

“Oh dear, look at that poor boy.  Sure is a sickly little fellow.”

I’d even bet that a few of them are at home right now wishing they knew where he lived so they could bring him over a nice bowl of borscht. How the fuck he’d eat it in a full face mask though I have no idea.

I normally only see my doctor  once a year when he has a bunch of lubed up fingers jammed inside me but after a brief visit this morning due to the KNIFESTABBINGHOLYFUCKKILLME pain, I apparently have sacrumilliosis or illadus or chittychiitybangbang, whatever the hell he said. This essentially means that my right side sacrum & ilium are having a giant fucking pissing match. That normally sexy spot where the dimples sit right above your ass…. yeah, right there. Oh, and because that isn’t nearly exciting enough, let’s throw in 2 inflamed disks. Why not? Canes are a fucking fashion statement, right? RIGHT!!??

It’s not like we were covered in grape jelly and playing giddy up in a fucking sex swing yesterday. I don’t even like grape jelly.

So I’m sitting at home buzzing on T3’s and drinking wine. Did I mention that it’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon and that I’m sitting at home buzzing on T3’s and drinking wine?

Because apparently I stepped on an ant or karmicly fucked someone over in another life, I now have a weird stiff limp, a cane, and a permanent wince on my face. Yeah, I’m pretty hot right now. Throw in a little drool and I’m a fucking super model.Try to stop licking your screen ok? It’s super creepy.

Dear Asshole,

You malicious little piece of shit thief. Yes, Suz & Stan’s insurance will cover the cameras, the laptop and the video camera that you broke in and wandered off with yesterday. What they cannot cover, recover, or replace are the pictures of baby Gray- every single one that they’ve taken in the last two years- that were stored in the computer.

You ignorant little fuck.

Sincerely,

Kim

Dear catholic church,

Why do you make it so bloody easy to hate you? Considering the sins of your most faithful, most fervent follows, it’s a damn good thing that your particular god only needs an “Oops! Sorry about that!”" for the slate to be wiped clean. It’s okay to rape and pillage and murder- then cover it all up- as long as you apologize.

Oh, and then after you sexually abuse untold numbers of small children under the guise of your religious superiority, you can actually ask your parishioners to help foot the bill for the resulting lawsuit. How clever of you!

Count your lucky stars that the catholic church thinks this is all okay because if you were a member of The Religion of Dog, we’d rip your fucking throat out.

Sincerely,

Kim

Seriously people, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. The church is asking it’s members to chip in to help raise the 10 million Euro settlement against it after dozens of it’s priests were found guilty of child sexual abuse going as far back as 1962

“If Christ was here, he would be burning down the Vatican, and I for one would be helping him.”

I couldn’t agree with you more Sinead. I mean, if I believed in him in the first place.

For some rather baffling reason this blog seems to be getting hit up on the keywords

“Dalai Lama + illuminati” an awful lot lately.

Is this a sign of some kind? We’re about to be taken over by kind benevolent men in robes who live double lives as members of a secret society?

I personally wouldn’t be surprised if something like that happened- not that I think his Holiness would condone such action- but seriously, is ANYTHING really shocking these days? I could open my front door one day and be surrounded by a band of brightly painted pygmies with swords and I’d still be all

“Meh, whatever, little dudes. Get the fuck off my lawn!”

We’re no longer shocked by war, or billions in over spending for the olympics, or genocide, or abuse. Pictures of dead civilians in Afghanistan could be switched out with stills from the last Freddy or Jason horror movie and most people wouldn’t even notice or care, and those commercials to remind us about the starving children around the world all covered in flies, crying and holding their swollen bellies get switched off almost as fast as you would when channel surfing and accidentally landing on Nancy Grace.

Is it just me, or are we some jaded motherfuckers!??

Empathy, that sweet and dotting grandmother of emotions seems to be withering away. She has a lung tumor or gangrene, or some other terrifying ailment that has eaten off so many chunks of her that she is barely recognizable. There is still enough left for those “BIG EVENTS” like the tsunami in 2004 or Haiti, but that everyday stuff- the stuff that never seems to get enough attention to be fixed- seems to hardly be a blip on the radar.

I have always assumed that as we get progressively more advanced, have more access to information, and are more globally connected that these things would matter more, not less. However, I stupidly forgot one major element in that train of thought.

Humans are at the wheel.

Last night as I was making the greatest homemade clam chowder in the history of man, I was semi blinded by the sight of the Olympic torch passing by one block over and clearly visible from my kitchen widow. There were a lot of lights, some guy screeching into a loud speaker, and several parade like floats in front of and behind the runner. Let me just tell you how much the whole fucking spectacle pissed me off.

A lot.

Let’s just put it into context, shall we? The Olympics will cost us approximately 6 BILLION DOLLARS. Not millions, I said BILLIONS. Using the common short scale as we do in North America 1 billion dollars equates to a thousand millions. Do the math people- this little event is going to cost the Province of BC over 6 THOUSAND STACKS OF A MILLION DOLLARS.

Don’t get me wrong, I have great respect for (most) athletes and have no problem with global events to highlight them and their abilities. The Olympics as they are however are no longer financially viable. A new system needs to be created and it needs to be one that is financially responsible. Can you imagine if the money pissed away spent on the last decade of Olympic games were used instead to fight global hunger and homelessness? Hell, we could even chuck a couple of billion at disease research for things like AIDS, cancer, addiction, etc because we’d sure as shit have the funds.

Throwing a 2 week carnival style party every couple of years is a higher priority than making sure every person on this planet has food, water, and shelter. I’m not talking about using that money to buy us all fucking Hummers and flashy gold watches, I’m talking about FOOD, WATER, AND A FUCKING ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD. We are saying as a species that the Olympics are more important than that. More important than homeless children, more important that bellies swollen from hunger, and more important than the man wasting away from cancer as his family watches. The argument of “it’s too expensive to fix the problems of our poor” is simply not fucking valid when you look at that 6 billion dollars we’re willing and eager to spend on a sporting event.

We humans are one sick and twisted fucking people.