A small departure from my regular dear asshole posts- this one isn’t actually directed at anyone in particular. Shocking, I know.

Dear Asshole,

Today is one of those days when I just hate. I hate you, and you, and you over there. You’re ok, but you, yes you, are a fucking idiot. But you, you I adore, your friend though, total asshole.

So today there are many assholes. In fact, there seem to be assholes everywhere and hence today being a day of HATE. I hate that our government is reviewing the lyrics to Oh Canada rather that getting some actual fucking work done, I hate that the olympics have us in BC so far in the hole that we can’t see the light, I hate that I have to listen to whiny fucking people on a constant basis and yet I’m not allowed to punch them. I also hate the way my deodorant smells today. I hate people who don’t pick up their dog shit and people who throw wrappers on the ground because they’re so fucking lazy. I hate that people are getting away with murder.

Today there are far too many assholes to count. And to you all, I’m looking desperately for a fucking well to throw you down.

Sincerely,

Kim

Dear Asshole,

A dozen times a day you ask me. Your shiny/happy/grain fed people on TV keep asking me, as well as in the newspaper, online, on the radio, and in slick glossy magazine articles.

“Do YOU believe?”

Yes, I believe. I believe in broken promises, budgets that you had no intention of keeping, and shady press conferences to down play your enormous cost over runs. I believe in the hungry and homeless and mentally ill that scar your perfect vision of Vancouver as an urban utopia and I believe you wish it were socially acceptable to set them adrift at sea so you wouldn’t have to deal with them. I believe that you only care about homelessness in a “send it somewhere else while the world is watching” sort of way and then when the Olympics end, so will your feigned interest.  I believe in a massive burden of debt handed to the people of BC all wrapped up in a red fucking scarf from the Bay or Roots, or where ever the hell people buy that shit. I believe in job losses directly attributed to this debt, and I believe we will all pay higher taxes. I believe in the cutting or underfunding of important social services and programs and I believe that you don’t give a flying fuck about the people effected by these losses.

I believe that you are more concerned with what people think of Vancouver than you are about it’s actual citizens or the negative long term affects that the games will have on Vancouver and BC as a whole. I believe that the Olympics as they are today are financially irresponsible and there are many other ways to highlight athletic achievement in a manner that doesn’t snap the spine of the host city and I wholeheartedly believe that you care above none of this.

Lastly, I believe that you have no right to be angry about or should be allowed to censor anything that I or any other person may say against the Olympics. Despite the fact that you had performers of the games sign those bullshit “Only happy, positive comments allowed” or your ridiculous “free speech zones” I believe that you have no right to complain about my complaints.

After all jackass, you’re the one who keeps fucking asking me if I believe.

Sincerely,

kim

Dear Asshole,

It isn’t the 60’s or 70′ or even the early part of the 80’s so the “I didn’t know!” bullshit doesn’t fly. You do know better. I don’t care what your fucking reason is. All that I know for sure are these two things;

#1- Every time that I see you outside of your office building across from mine I feel physically ill.

#2- This makes you a selfish fucking twat.

Sincerely,

Kim

Before I commence screaming at someone who will undoubtedly not read this, let me set the stage for you. I am at the dog park with my two ruffians on a beautiful bright sunny afternoon. There are about 8 or 9 dogs of every shape & size running about madly and having a grand old time. I am chatting with a woman who has 3 med sized kids with her and their fluffy excited pooch “Buddy”. The kids are hanging out in the shade of a tree watching the dogs play. They are not running around, just smiling and watching. When a dog comes near them, they ask if they can pet it and then do so gently. There is a woman holding a poodle and scowling at the kids while she mutters under her breath.

ok…. got it? Good. Let the screaming commence!

Dear Asshole,

Firstly, I cannot believe that you actually said “This is a DOG park, not a KID park. We’re here to exercise our dogs, and they (nodding her head in the direction of the kids) have no business being here!” to the mother of those children. I’m actually glad that she was rendered speechless with shock as that meant that I didn’t have to yell over her to give you shit for being so incredibly and unnecessarily rude. It’s a public fucking place lady, and the kids were being more well behaved than half of the dogs there! I would see your point if they were all over the place, jumping on the dogs or scaring the shit out of them but this clearly wasn’t the case you bitter middle aged bitch. Are you under the impression that dogs are only to be “exercised” by adults? Seriously, where the fuck do you get off making that woman feel like shit for bringing her kids?

Here’s a perfect example of how much of a rancid douche bag you are- My dog is deathly terrified of children- their random movements scare the crap out of her and she will hide behind my legs as though they are about to come over, skin her alive, & make a beautiful pair of gloves. Maggi didn’t even fucking notice that they were there because they were so calm and quiet! If your dog is that sketched out in social situations then perhaps you should be accessing a less stressful activity than a PUBLIC FUCKING DOG PARK.

I was extremely pleased with the horrified look on your face after I let loose and called you out on your general jackassness. It made me warm inside. I also enjoyed watching you storm off like a 5 year old while I laughed out loud.

I feel sorry for your dog & hope that it shits in your left shoe just as your rushing out to a very important (and totally child free) meeting.

-Kim

Dear Asshole,

As teens, some of us mastered the art of wearing something and then returning it to the store. We did this mostly as a lark, or out of desperation for something acceptable to wear some place that we couldn’t afford. Even as teens, we knew that this was breaking the rules. We were young. We were stupid.

You, oh king of the jackasses, looked to be late 20’s early 30’s. And un-fucking-believably, your defense/justification for yelling at the clerk while trying to return that sweat and smoke smelling filthy dress shirt was “Well I should have been told that I couldn’t wear it and return it. I wasn’t told that.”

Are you fucking kidding me? It looks like you humped a bus load of hookers in the alley while wearing it and now you want your money back because you’re done with it? You weren’t told that you can’t rent shirts? Holy Mary Mother of Dog, how are people as stupid as you not beaten to death in their teens?

Oh, but while I’m thinking about it, I wasn’t told that punching you in the throat right there & then could have resulted in an arrest or court case. I get a free fucking ride people, BECAUSE I WASN’T TOLD!

Sincerely,

Kim

Dear Asshole,

Don’t you dare look shocked that I just screamed at you in a parking lot full of strangers, or that in my smarmy “office attire” I look too nice to use words like “shit for brains”, “fuckface” and “asshat”. You’re just damn lucky that you dragged your sorry ass across the street before I smashed out your fucking window. It’s 37 degrees outside you moronic asshole. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DOG IN THE CAR! I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re a 95 year old woman or a 26 year old body builder, I will make you feel like the piece of shit that you are being because there is no excuse for that. NONE! I will be loud, I will be angry, I will draw great amounts of attention to you, and I will be on the verge of ripping out your goddamn throat the entire fucking time. And just so you know, your dog is a better fucking person that you are.

Was that clear enough? Let me know if there is any confusion. I’d be happy to reiterate.

-Kim

Dear Asshole,

You, California Supreme Court, are not so fucking supreme.

Seriously? You let it stand?

You should all be embarrassed by your small minded bigotry.

You disgust me.

-Kim

I need a vehicle this large to house my enormous ego.

Dear Asshole,

I see you driving around town on a regular basis. All 120 lbs of blond stick figure hoisting yourself into your Hummer and every time you drive by the pretension and self importance in the air is so thick that I nearly gag. Why the fuck do you need a hummer? Seriously?

Shuttling yourself between Pier One Imports and The Pottery Barn isn’t off-roading, you self indulgent peroxide bimbette.

I’d love to see you attempt to fix your own flat in that thing. Really, I’d almost pay to see that.

-Kim