Dear Asshole,

WHY WHY WHY DO YOU PEOPLE EXIST?

I can’t believe that you actually had the fucking audacity to call me a “nosy bitch” as I stood there screaming at you at full volume on the street in an attempt to humiliate you enough so that maybe, just maybe, next time you go to the fucking casino to gamble away your afternoon YOU WON’T LEAVE YOUR FUCKING DOG IN THE CAR IN THE FULL SUN IN THE MIDDLE OF AUGUST!!!!

I understand you were probably more than a little shocked at the volume and fury of my little tirade however I don’t give a shit. I care about the little white dog panting on the floor of the passenger side. You? I don’t care about you in the slightest, you piece of garbage.

I’ll be watching for your car jackass.

Sincerely,

Kim

PS- My throat is actually sore right now from the yelling, but it’s a good sore.

Dear Asshole,

You, the giver and taker of things, are a fucking asshole. I hate you with the fury of a category 5 hurricane. Plus a couple of extra hundred categories. If I could rip out your heart and make a nice nicoise salad with it, I would. Unfortunately, you clearly do not have one.

Sincerely,

Kim

Dear Asshole,

Hey fucktard! Yes, my dog Maggi is well trained. Yes, she will patiently sit at the door of my local gas station- unleashed-and wait while I (holding an always frightened  wee Lucy in my arms) pick up smokes. Can you give me one good fucking reason as to why you felt it necessary to taunt her, you “still acting like I’m a teen but my receding hairline says more like late 30’s” piece of shit? And why, you ragging fucking moron, do you find it shocking that I stepped out and basically verbally bitch slapped you. How could that have possibly been surprising given the fact that you were overtly trying to terrify my dog?

The look on your face was, I must admit, rather amusing. Almost made it worth it. Made me wish that I had one of those shitty little super hero rings so I could raise my fist to the sky, shout some bizarre little mantra and watch as all 26lbs of Maggi suddenly morphs into a Clifford-esque sized dog but with a bad fucking attitude and just a wee touch of “the rabies.”

I’d go back into the store and pick up a bag of ripple Lays so that I’d have something to munch on while I watched her rip out your fucking throat.

Sincerely,

Kim

A small departure from my regular dear asshole posts- this one isn’t actually directed at anyone in particular. Shocking, I know.

Dear Asshole,

Today is one of those days when I just hate. I hate you, and you, and you over there. You’re ok, but you, yes you, are a fucking idiot. But you, you I adore, your friend though, total asshole.

So today there are many assholes. In fact, there seem to be assholes everywhere and hence today being a day of HATE. I hate that our government is reviewing the lyrics to Oh Canada rather that getting some actual fucking work done, I hate that the olympics have us in BC so far in the hole that we can’t see the light, I hate that I have to listen to whiny fucking people on a constant basis and yet I’m not allowed to punch them. I also hate the way my deodorant smells today. I hate people who don’t pick up their dog shit and people who throw wrappers on the ground because they’re so fucking lazy. I hate that people are getting away with murder.

Today there are far too many assholes to count. And to you all, I’m looking desperately for a fucking well to throw you down.

Sincerely,

Kim

Dear Asshole,

A dozen times a day you ask me. Your shiny/happy/grain fed people on TV keep asking me, as well as in the newspaper, online, on the radio, and in slick glossy magazine articles.

“Do YOU believe?”

Yes, I believe. I believe in broken promises, budgets that you had no intention of keeping, and shady press conferences to down play your enormous cost over runs. I believe in the hungry and homeless and mentally ill that scar your perfect vision of Vancouver as an urban utopia and I believe you wish it were socially acceptable to set them adrift at sea so you wouldn’t have to deal with them. I believe that you only care about homelessness in a “send it somewhere else while the world is watching” sort of way and then when the Olympics end, so will your feigned interest.  I believe in a massive burden of debt handed to the people of BC all wrapped up in a red fucking scarf from the Bay or Roots, or where ever the hell people buy that shit. I believe in job losses directly attributed to this debt, and I believe we will all pay higher taxes. I believe in the cutting or underfunding of important social services and programs and I believe that you don’t give a flying fuck about the people effected by these losses.

I believe that you are more concerned with what people think of Vancouver than you are about it’s actual citizens or the negative long term affects that the games will have on Vancouver and BC as a whole. I believe that the Olympics as they are today are financially irresponsible and there are many other ways to highlight athletic achievement in a manner that doesn’t snap the spine of the host city and I wholeheartedly believe that you care above none of this.

Lastly, I believe that you have no right to be angry about or should be allowed to censor anything that I or any other person may say against the Olympics. Despite the fact that you had performers of the games sign those bullshit “Only happy, positive comments allowed” or your ridiculous “free speech zones” I believe that you have no right to complain about my complaints.

After all jackass, you’re the one who keeps fucking asking me if I believe.

Sincerely,

kim

Dear Asshole,

It isn’t the 60’s or 70′ or even the early part of the 80’s so the “I didn’t know!” bullshit doesn’t fly. You do know better. I don’t care what your fucking reason is. All that I know for sure are these two things;

#1- Every time that I see you outside of your office building across from mine I feel physically ill.

#2- This makes you a selfish fucking twat.

Sincerely,

Kim

Before I commence screaming at someone who will undoubtedly not read this, let me set the stage for you. I am at the dog park with my two ruffians on a beautiful bright sunny afternoon. There are about 8 or 9 dogs of every shape & size running about madly and having a grand old time. I am chatting with a woman who has 3 med sized kids with her and their fluffy excited pooch “Buddy”. The kids are hanging out in the shade of a tree watching the dogs play. They are not running around, just smiling and watching. When a dog comes near them, they ask if they can pet it and then do so gently. There is a woman holding a poodle and scowling at the kids while she mutters under her breath.

ok…. got it? Good. Let the screaming commence!

Dear Asshole,

Firstly, I cannot believe that you actually said “This is a DOG park, not a KID park. We’re here to exercise our dogs, and they (nodding her head in the direction of the kids) have no business being here!” to the mother of those children. I’m actually glad that she was rendered speechless with shock as that meant that I didn’t have to yell over her to give you shit for being so incredibly and unnecessarily rude. It’s a public fucking place lady, and the kids were being more well behaved than half of the dogs there! I would see your point if they were all over the place, jumping on the dogs or scaring the shit out of them but this clearly wasn’t the case you bitter middle aged bitch. Are you under the impression that dogs are only to be “exercised” by adults? Seriously, where the fuck do you get off making that woman feel like shit for bringing her kids?

Here’s a perfect example of how much of a rancid douche bag you are- My dog is deathly terrified of children- their random movements scare the crap out of her and she will hide behind my legs as though they are about to come over, skin her alive, & make a beautiful pair of gloves. Maggi didn’t even fucking notice that they were there because they were so calm and quiet! If your dog is that sketched out in social situations then perhaps you should be accessing a less stressful activity than a PUBLIC FUCKING DOG PARK.

I was extremely pleased with the horrified look on your face after I let loose and called you out on your general jackassness. It made me warm inside. I also enjoyed watching you storm off like a 5 year old while I laughed out loud.

I feel sorry for your dog & hope that it shits in your left shoe just as your rushing out to a very important (and totally child free) meeting.

-Kim

Dear Asshole,

As teens, some of us mastered the art of wearing something and then returning it to the store. We did this mostly as a lark, or out of desperation for something acceptable to wear some place that we couldn’t afford. Even as teens, we knew that this was breaking the rules. We were young. We were stupid.

You, oh king of the jackasses, looked to be late 20’s early 30’s. And un-fucking-believably, your defense/justification for yelling at the clerk while trying to return that sweat and smoke smelling filthy dress shirt was “Well I should have been told that I couldn’t wear it and return it. I wasn’t told that.”

Are you fucking kidding me? It looks like you humped a bus load of hookers in the alley while wearing it and now you want your money back because you’re done with it? You weren’t told that you can’t rent shirts? Holy Mary Mother of Dog, how are people as stupid as you not beaten to death in their teens?

Oh, but while I’m thinking about it, I wasn’t told that punching you in the throat right there & then could have resulted in an arrest or court case. I get a free fucking ride people, BECAUSE I WASN’T TOLD!

Sincerely,

Kim