Dear Asshole,

Don’t you dare look shocked that I just screamed at you in a parking lot full of strangers, or that in my smarmy “office attire” I look too nice to use words like “shit for brains”, “fuckface” and “asshat”. You’re just damn lucky that you dragged your sorry ass across the street before I smashed out your fucking window. It’s 37 degrees outside you moronic asshole. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DOG IN THE CAR! I don’t give a flying fuck if you’re a 95 year old woman or a 26 year old body builder, I will make you feel like the piece of shit that you are being because there is no excuse for that. NONE! I will be loud, I will be angry, I will draw great amounts of attention to you, and I will be on the verge of ripping out your goddamn throat the entire fucking time. And just so you know, your dog is a better fucking person that you are.

Was that clear enough? Let me know if there is any confusion. I’d be happy to reiterate.

-Kim

Dear Asshole,

You, California Supreme Court, are not so fucking supreme.

Seriously? You let it stand?

You should all be embarrassed by your small minded bigotry.

You disgust me.

-Kim

I need a vehicle this large to house my enormous ego.

Dear Asshole,

I see you driving around town on a regular basis. All 120 lbs of blond stick figure hoisting yourself into your Hummer and every time you drive by the pretension and self importance in the air is so thick that I nearly gag. Why the fuck do you need a hummer? Seriously?

Shuttling yourself between Pier One Imports and The Pottery Barn isn’t off-roading, you self indulgent peroxide bimbette.

I’d love to see you attempt to fix your own flat in that thing. Really, I’d almost pay to see that.

-Kim

Dear Asshole,

My “Dear Asshole” posts have been quite popular so I must start this one by letting you know that it is an ANTI-asshole post. I don’t often meet people who do a random kindness simply because they can, so I don’t have a “You’re fucking wonderful and remind me why I don’t climb a clock tower and shoot pedestrians” category.

So…… I buy a credenza that I LOVE from a thrift store. I will pull off the hardware and doors and it will become a long low shelf for the entrance way of the new place. (Yes, I know. It’s for the new place. Which we’re not moving into until September. Steve reminds me every day that I’m an obsessed freak.There is no room for the credenza in my current abode so it is sitting on top of my large wooden kitchen table-making it unusable-and if you think THAT is ridiculous, I can’t imagine how you’d feel about the fact that today I bought all of bedding for the spare room.) Ok, sorry. Back to the story… So the credenza that will be a shelf is purchased and hauled out to my car. I was sure it would fit.

Many attempts later, it is clear that it will not. I am devastated.

I go back in to enquire if they have any type of delivery service or will I have to hunt down someone with a fucking truck to bring home my shelf RIGHT FUCKING NOW because I can’t wait for anything. There is a woman in line, paying for her purchases and she hears me asking about delivery. She and her husband are here from Nanaimo visiting friends and just driving around. They load my credenza into their van, after moving a vast quantity of their belongings, and follow my car home where the credenza (forever to be known as “Nanaimo” even though I don’t normally name my furniture) is unloaded.

And then, waving and smiling, they drove away.

Dear Asshole,

Ok listen here you little piece of fucking mucus- I’ve had enough! If this juvenile ridiculousness is amusing to you then you are in serious need of me punching you right in the throat. Because my place of business is on the “main drag” I already have to deal with all manner of “morning gifts” including broken beer bottles, used needles, random garbage and puddles of piss, so this latest crap is simply over the fucking line. You may think it’s funny to wander up and down in the downtown core shaking doors and windows in the middle of the fucking night to set off alarms, I however, do not. I am the alarm contact for my business and getting multiple fucking intruder alarm phone calls EVERY FUCKING NIGHT does not make me a very happy little bunny. What if someone was in real distress and the cops were delayed because they were responding to yet another false fucking alarm downtown? Ever think of that you little jackass?

One night I will stay at the office and drink beer and eat pizza and when you and your shit stain on the heel of humanity friends come along and bash against the doors at 3:30am and set the alarm off- I’m coming flying out that door with a fucking Louisville slugger and I’m going to beat your ass to jello.

Sincerely,

kim

Dear Asshole,

You, fucknut, are the imbecile that brought your unspayed female dog to the dog park yesterday when she was CLEARLY in heat. Not just that, but you then proceed to get snippy with every other dog owner when their dogs went berserk and tried to fuck her. Are you fucking kidding me? It’s a dog park you wannabe princess. A DOG PARK! Are you seriously so stupid that you were surprised by their reactions? And if you really and truly are that much of an idiot, how do you remember to breath?

Since I cannot bring myself to wish your dog any ill will just to spite you-not even that your prized shitzu give birth to a litter that all resemble scrappy strays- I will instead wish you horrid body odor, eye watering bad breath and a weird flaky skin condition that makes people avoid you in social situations. I feel bad for your dog, you stupid stuck up bitch.

-Kim

Only a few more days until we are off on a wee road trip…. Monday morning Steve & I will drive to Seattle and spend the afternoon strolling through the market, eating too much, buying weird crafts, etc and then we shall continue on until Portland to our hotel. The next morning Steve has an all day business related SEO conference which I like to refer to as blahblahblah. I shall spend Tuesday wandering the streets of Portland shop shop shopping, or in consideration of my bank balance, it will more accurately be look look looking…. but whatever, I’m looking forward to it. Apparently Portland has the largest independently owned bookstore in the West, or the entire US or something, but to a geek like me, GIANT NON-CHAIN BOOKSTORE is like Disneyland without the lineups! We will drive back to the motherland on Wednesday and pick up Maggi the wunderdog who will have spent the last 3 days at her daycare (or as she calls it, jail.) Naysa the wundercat will be home alone (or as she likes to call it, Thank fucking god they’re gone!)

I am desperately looking forward to the break and the drive and of course, the hotel sex.

Dear Asshole,

You, fuckwad, are one of the reasons that people don’t like dogs, or scowl at me while I’m walking mine and she goes on their lawn for a sniff. Is it really that fucking hard to carry a bag and pick up the dog shit that your friend leaves on the sidewalk/boulevard/strangers lawn etc? Really? Because if it is, perhaps you shouldn’t own one!

I hope that every dog in town shits on your lawn today. Hundreds of little piles of “It doesn’t matter if I pick this up or not. Who’s gonna care?”

You lazy fucktard!

-Kim