Dear Asshole(s)

You are the people who, when confronted with something happening to someone else, are magically able to insert yourself into the situation. Take the Toronto subway shooting for instance. How many clips did you see that contained the whiny wide eyed commuter with perfect hair saying “OH MY GOD! I was supposed to be on that train.” or “OH MY GOD! That could have been me!” You are also the same people that when someone relates a feeling to you (I’m sad or I’m so tired/hungry/whatever today) you immediately interject with “You’re tired? I haven’t slept for days!” or “How do you think I feel?”

Holy fucking Mary people! EVERY COMMENT BY EVERY HUMAN IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!! Check your self centered  craptastic self at the door and try to manage a simple acknowledgment rather than “You’re sick? I’ve had the flu since Wednesday!” Seriously! Stop turning every sentence into an opening to talk about how much more worse off you are. It isn’t a fucking competition! It’s fine if it’s a genuine part of the conversation but shooting down someone’s mood/feeling/thoughts to showcase your own is a jackass move. Just so you know, most of us find you irritating as hell.

-K

PS- If you know someone who does this on a regular basis I find the following sentence very effective; “Oh, I guess we’re talking about you now?” It highlights their asshole-ness and has the added bonus of making them very uncomfortable. I find it irresistible.

So I was without power for many hours today. This freaked me out as I had just brought home 6 bazillion dollars worth of Christmas groceries and so I very promptly called BC Hydro. The woman I spoke with on the phone was helpful & informed me that no one else appeared to have an outage and asked if I had re-set the breakers? Of course I had, so I patiently waited for something miraculous. Less than an hour later “Mike” called to ask a few questions seeing as my meter was registering fine on his end………. So fast forward two hours and there is beer in the snowbank and a hydro truck in front of my house. I asked him if he’d like hot tea or coffee considering the fact that he’d be spending a half hour on the pole and it’s eleventeen billion degrees below zero. It took all of an hour after he got here and I clearly now have POWER.

So where is the ASSHOLE in this scenario? It stems from hydro guys comment when he arrived. Noting the trout that was grotesquely warming throughout  the afternoon, the first words out of my mouth were “Holy Hell am I glad to see YOU!” He responded with “Wow, the last place that I went they yelled and screamed at me.

So……. Dear Asshole, Don’t shoot the fucking messenger. Do you really think that the hydro guy snuck into your yard and sabotaged your power line? You are the same jackass that yells at your server because your steak isn’t how you ordered, or bitches at the meter maid person for the ticket that you got even though YOU ARE THE ASSHAT THAT PARKED IN THE LOADING ZONE. This dear asshole is to all you fuckers that yell at people who have done nothing to you and are in fact probably there to rectify a problem.

Let them do their fucking jobs and if it wouldn’t kill you, say thank you. Fucking fucktards!

Dear Asshole,

(Actually, it’s assholes today. Plural, because there are so damn many of you!!!)

You are the people in malls & grocery stores that walk as though you’re shuffling from your fridge to your couch, bathrobe and slippers clad, in a semi coma. There is no passing lane in stores (WHY THE HELL NOT I ASK??) so you need to speed up or get the hell out of the way. One level higher on the asshole chain are the people who stand in the middle of entrances/exits to have a little chat with someone they’ve run into. Seriously? You’re that oblivious? YOU’RE STANDING IN A FUCKING DOORWAY YOU SELF ABSORBED IDIOT!

Malls at the best of times make me want to shoot myself, during the Christmas chaos they make me want to shoot YOU!

-K

Dear Asshole,

You Sir are the fucktard who SCREAMED at the Asian woman in line at People’s because she had 5 items in the “4 items or less” line. Even after it was clear that her English was sketchy at best, you still felt it appropriate to berate her for that 5th fucking item. You glared at me when I called you an ass and also shot death looks at the cashier who ignored you while reassuring the woman that it was fine. We were the only ones in line and you were next. Was that REALLY fucking necessary?

I hope that all of your future checkout lines are manned by trainees with learning disabilities and no supervision. I hope that all of your fucking items need to be “price checked” by a bored stock boy who takes his sweet ass time.

-K

Dear Asshole,

You are the one who talks when you shouldn’t, pretends to think when you really don’t and appears to have no real use at all.

If you were a Kleenex I would fill you with snot and discard you all in the space of a nano second, never to think of you again.

k

Dear Asshole,

You are the ex that figures because I broke your heart well over a decade ago I am somehow obligated to have an affair with you now to make up for your crappy marriage.

This both angers and saddens me.

k

Dear Asshole,

You are the bimbo in the little blue car that cut myself and the cyclist off in front of PetroCan this morning because you were too fucking busy yammering on your cell phone to bother paying attention to the road or the other people on it. Looking at me and giggling with that “oops, my bad” look on your face Didn’t help. Let me tell you something little one; being pretty is not an excuse for being an idiot no matter what Paris Hilton says. I hope you get a festering boil.

-K

Dear Asshole,

You’re the droopy “shit my pants” jean wearing guy that threw his takeout wrappers, bag & empty drink cup on the sidewalk and then loudly ridiculed the teen a couple of paces behind you when he picked it up and put it in the garbage can that was a mere 5 fucking feet away.

I hope someone pisses in your shampoo bottle you embarrassing little wanna be gangster puke.

-k