Ok, maybe not Guffman, but I am waiting.

“For what?” You ask with baited breath.

“Uhm, sorry. Can’t say.”

I know, I know. That’s kinda mean but I still can’t say so please quit asking me and sending me beer and cigarette bribes. Well, quit the asking at least. Feel free to continue with the rest.

I will be MIA for the next week and then I shall reappear on the scene like a bolt of lightning or a super hero and I will whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

You know when you get a song stuck in your head and it plays on a never ending reel through your brain until you want to shoot yourself in the face?

Yeah, that. I have it.

It’s a song from”Coke Machine Glow” -Gord Downie’s old solo project- called Vancouver Divorce. All morning I’ve been hearing;

“Sittin’ here at the Horton’s, so you know this is important.”

All of you in Canada have probably just cracked a wee little smile of familiarity and nostalgia while most of you in the US are saying “Huh?”

On the up side though, at least it’s not the fucking “Chicken Dance.” Na na na na na na na na, Na na na na nana na……….

Sorry if I just implanted you with that little piece of fresh hell.

Remember when this is what Blackberry meant?

So the weekend is over and both my liver and my boyfriend have survived. We started off with a fantastic bbq at my uncle Darcy’s place with relatives galore. My father couldn’t make it but there were more than enough of the rest of them to incite a little shock and horror in Steve. However, given that my families favorite “aromatic cigarette” was there in abundance, the stories were mellow, there was much laughter, and none of the usual threats of bodily violence should Steve turn out to be a less than stand up kinda guy. I learned a few things that night…… My step sister Shannon should not do whiskey shooters and my uncle Dale’s new fangled wheelchair means that I cannot pull off the wheelies that I once did with such ease- in fact, had Steve not had the forethought to stand behind the chair there would have undoubtedly been some type of head trauma or hospital visit- an occurrence not entirely uncommon when my family gets together.

Saturday was my little Ckenzie’s wedding and I must say that even with all the mention of God it was a beautiful affair and made even more so when Steve and I didn’t immediately burst into flames upon entering the house of God. I had honestly expected at least a rash or deafening clap of thunder. Ckenzie was a truly beautiful bride and I beamed with all of the pride of a pretend mother. Given both of the grooms parents had recently remarried and all four were in attendance, there was the inevitable awkward bathroom conversation about who had the better speech and who had more right to be there. Ah…. It’s amazing the things that people will tell a stranger after a few drinks and one only slightly inappropriate lifting up your dress dances to the theme to Pulp Fiction.

The highlight for Steve and I was definitely the entrance of one of the many guests. We looked in awe as she entered the room and I immediately set about trying to covertly take a shot of her to show you that “Sparkle Barbie” really does exist. In fact “Sparkle Barbie” was seated at our table so I can say with complete accuracy that her accessories include 3 inch purple sparkly heels, a cell phone and a camera. Her time was equally divided between talking on her phone and having her friend take pictures of her posed with a drink, sweeping back her hair, or trying to stand like Paris Hilton. It was fucking fantastic. We didn’t get home until just before 3 am after an amusing ride home with my ex Mark (Ckenzie’s father obviously) and his girlfriend in their vegetable oil burning car. With the sketch navigation and ridiculous laughter I am still extremely surprised that we found Darcy’s house.

They have to be shitting their pants right now. In fact- the whole industry is most likely shitting their pants because we all know that Obama has to do something big. He has to take steps to ensure this doesn’t become “Obama’s Katrina”. (Yes- comparing the two is completely ridiculous, however, in response time……….. uhm.)

So this is how I see it. The flame is slowly moving from BP towards the government. People hate BP- they hate them with the fire of a thousand suns- but because the government has continued to let BP “handle it” and continue to fumble it, Obama is going to start taking a lot of fucking heat.  This being said- Obama is going to have to make some sweeping changes and some major moves to the oil industry to ensure that this doesn’t blow up in his face. I’m pretty sure that’s where this whole “they may face criminal charges” thing stems from. I think we’re all well aware that this will never happen (civil suits? yes. Criminal- I seriously fucking doubt it) but it makes it sound as though action is being taken while they scramble to figure out an actual action to take.

Hence the whole oil industry starting to shit it’s pants. This is no longer a BP problem. They will all have to deal with Obama’s response to this disaster.

And they won’t like it.

On the up side- it’s keeping the shit scene that is Israel right now off of most front pages.

Holy hell…… nobody fucks shit up like we “higher beings” do huh?

There are times when people share too much information and make you shift and rock on your heels uncomfortably. This might be one of those times.

#1- I once peed my pants on the way from a hostel to the train station in a small village in Switzerland.

#2- Despite their perky disposition I have never named my breasts. I have recently discovered that many women do this and I find it odd.

#3- I regularly have dreams about the end of the world as we know it.

#4 - On my 23rd birthday I drank 21 sambucca shooters, alternating black and white. I couldn’t manage the the last 2. I did not puke.

#5- On my 32nd birthday while drinking in a bar in Germany a random and very drunk young US soldier came over and bit me on the shoulder hard enough to require a tetanus shot and leave a scar. I punched him in the face.

#6- I once made a tower of Russian Roulette shooters and lit them on fire in some random bar in London. I did this topless because I apparently cannot turn down a good dare.

#7-I am genuinely freaked out by clowns and I genuinely think that they are all pedophiles.

#8- I have watched 2 people die and once had to identify a friend in the morgue which is far less glamorous than CSI Miami makes it out to be.

#9- I cannot blow my nose in public. No matter what.

#10- I would be a total chain smoking alcoholic if it were socially acceptable.

#11- I once made a girl eat dog shit.

#12- While randomly hitchhiking around town with Susin as a teen, a creepy weird old biker dude offered us a 6 pack of black label and then leaned over and pinched my nipple. EWWWWWWW! it still makes me shiver.

#13- I fucking hate whiners. I hate them so hard that I have to forcibly stop myself from stabbing them.

#14- If I had to to protect myself or my loved ones, I could easily kill someone. No question.

#15- I once had a threesome with an ex & a really HOT female friend.

So Nigel has a new home in the country as of Friday and I am not ashamed to say that I cried. I also spent the rest of the evening sending her text messages containing vital information such as how much water he likes to drink, when he last ate, and when she can expect him to poo next.

Yes. I am that person.

Also, this is what has become of my long weekend lounging on the beach in the hot sun.