to desire the replica

posted on: July 9th, 2010

It all starts with the innocent statement

“Unidentified white powder.”

Suddenly, the calm quiet school that you run is roped off with yellow tape and there are 2 police cars, a fire truck and the Haz Mat truck and full trailer outside. Needless to say, interest was piqued by the passerby’s. By the end of the day I swear to dog that if I would have heard “What’s going on?” one more fucking time I would have stabbed someone in the eye with a pair of dull scissors.

So, when all was said and done, the “unidentified white powder” turned out to be plant fertilizer, but not before we caused quite a stir in my little desert town.

From one of my students came “Someone dumped laundry soap all over the inside of my car”

“Does your car smell like laundry soap?”

“Hmm. No. It doesn’t. But the whole inside is covered in blue & white powder”

This turned into a phone call from one of my instructors to the police. “What should we do? We’re not sure what it is.”

Enter Haz Mat and all other accompanying vehicles. Fuck.

I spent the day rounding up students for police interviews which entailed “If this is a joke gone bad, tell me now because if I find out that it’s laundry soap done as a stupid prank I’ll be back and I’ll grill you and I’ll polygraph you all.”

No one put up their hand.

By 2 pm they had the car sealed up with crime tape after Haz Mat determined that they’re not going in until testing is done, and they haul it to the environment Canada yard.

Again, turned out to be random act of vandalism with plant fertilizer, but holy shit did it fuck over my day. I would seriously like to kick the shit out of the asshole that’s walking around with a fucking bucket full of miracle grow.

Apparently this is how you cause a stir.

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Jeannie Says:

Holy moly. Next time sweep the stuff up and put it in the garbage.

Phaedra Says:

Sweet baby Jebus! How shitty dude. Way to fuck over your days for sure :(

Kim Says:

I will admit that there were some rather attractive emergency personal (My receptionist referred to one as “Officer hot pants”)So it wasn’t a total loss!

Brian Smart Says:

Didn’t they bring the building in Oklahoma down with fertilizer and diesel fuel.

Better check back with Officer Hot Pants or Constable Cutie Buns or whatever his name was…

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