Can’t we pass some sort of legislation (punishable by a combo of fire ants and honey or whatever it is that those little fuckers like) that CLEARLY states at date that is appropriate to hang that shit? Early last week–making it mid November for those of you counting–a house a block over from me put out a giant glowing inflatable Rudolph and as the breeze hits said creepy eyesore, Rudolph’s “skin” ripples like a fat kid on a trampoline. Why is it that you crazy Colin & Justin’s home heist watching freaks feel it necessary to deck the fucking halls 2 months early? Seriously! WHY? Is it time to reevaluate your mediation perhaps or have you just never shaken that childhood desire to be frolicking in the North Pole with visions of sugar plums dancing in your head? Yes….we all secretly want to walk around holding hands and singing “Wah hoo wha hoo, la hoo la.”
You people are DIRECTLY responsible for the fact that by the time Christmas finally does roll around I’m ready to kick the shit out of anyone dressed as an elf and I twitch during the 87th celebrity version of Silent fucking Night on the radio. By December 15th I’m looking to roundhouse kick Santa and all of his sleigh toting slaves. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Christmas. I usually spend it making stew and and then driving around handing it out to people I find in the alleys. This year I’m shaking it up a bit & Steve and I will help serve dinner at the mission on Christmas eve. I also ALWAYS put money in the Salvation Army kettles that you see outside of malls & (not surprisingly) liquor stores. This one is a definite no matter how broke I am because growing up, more than a few of our Christmas’ were thanks to them and never once did they make my mother or us three kids feel poor. They acted as though they were thankful that we could be there, like it wouldn’t have been a Christmas party without us. That is something that I will never forget.
Having shared that warm and fuzzy kumbaya singing moment, I STILL HATE YOU FUCKERS THAT DECORATE YOUR YARDS/HOMES MONTHS BEFORE THE ACTUAL EVENT! Your obnoxious exuberance for the season makes the 25th rather anticlimactic for all of us normal non-spawn of Martha Stewart folks. It is totally unnecessary and completely ridiculous.
Needless to say, those of you who leave them up all fucking year long are in a whole other class of jackass that I simply do not have the energy to rant about today.