to desire the replica

posted on: May 5th, 2010

So I swing by London Drugs this morning and as I’m standing in line with my holy shit I can’t wait to eat you Hardbite Himalayan salt chips, I can’t help but notice the guy at the checkout ahead of me. It wasn’t the flashy black suit jacket paired with the faded black jeans or the shiny black loafers made out of buttery soft looking leather. No, it was none of those things. It was the $487.00 worth of Claritin that he was buying. A stack of little blue boxes piled up so high that oxygen masks dropped from the ceiling, least we all fall ill with altitude sickness.

He wasn’t standing there twitching or picking at gaping sores on his face or the imaginary bugs crawling up his arms, but he may as well have been. His unassuming well dressed self was still betrayed by the giant fucking wall of Claritin boxes between him and the checkout lady, so really, even having METH LABS INC. tattooed across his forehead couldn’t have made it any more obvious than it already was.

My deadpan “Real bad allergies, huh?” was followed by him staring at me like you would a basket of kittens. I mean, if the kittens had been put through a sausage grinder then fried up on a George Foreman grill and served with a little lye sauce for dipping.

I guess it’s not totally surprising that no one else seemed to notice or care being that we were in London Drugs at 9:45am therefore me & Mr. McMeth were probably the only ones in the store that didn’t watch the moon landing live on the telly box. I’m sure that more than one of those motorized scooter driving, polyester slack wearing centurions were thinking;

“Oh dear, look at that poor boy.  Sure is a sickly little fellow.”

I’d even bet that a few of them are at home right now wishing they knew where he lived so they could bring him over a nice bowl of borscht. How the fuck he’d eat it in a full face mask though I have no idea.

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Maybe it was Claritin D, in which case, maybe he was making METH! OOOOH! :) No actually, that stuff is regulated now. When I lived in NYC you had to ask for it behind the counter and sign a register when you purchased anything with pseudo in it. You can stock pile it up here though. Stuff’s the only thing that works for my damn sinus congestion.

I’m sorry, was this NOT about me?

Kim Says:

Don’t be ridiculous. Of course it was.

Brian Smart Says:

Cops might appreciate a call on this…just saying.

I had a similar experience when I was in (I think it was Canadian Tire) and a couple dudes ahead of me in line were buying a digital scale and pulled out a wad of cash to pay for it that would have choked a goat.

me: Doing some baking eh boys?
dude: Ya something like that
me: Cops are having a bake sale today at the detachment you should drop something by…

Kim Says:

hahahahahha.
bake sales seem pretty popular here in BC too.

Jeannie Says:

Didn’t know claritin had the magic stuff in it. I’ve noticed that Sudafed has changed it’s chemical. Pseudoephedrine isn’t in it any more.

Kim Says:

It gives “claritin clear” a whole new meaning

Stever Says:

Either the over the counter stuff in Canada still has the go-go juice in it, or “Jesse” there is trying to make a home made batch of crystal off a recipe he found online from an article published before the new regulations came into effect like they did in the USA.

Dan Says:

Society is funny, innit…

a name Says:

phenylephrine is for bitches. that shit doesn’t work. i buy the “yes, government, please track my purchases with the meth-heads” sudafed at like the statutory maximum rate because as a student, (1) i don’t have the time to make the one-hour round trip to the nearest non-sketchtastic pharmacy to buy sudafed every time i’m sick, and (2) i’m sick all the damn time because my immune system refuses to work when i’m only getting 4-5 hours of sleep nightly.

the wonders of over-the-counter medicines are single-handedly compensating for my poor sleep habits and even worse eating habits. oh, and the starbucks helps, too.

a name Says:

also, i learned the ingredients for meth from my Evidence textbook. thanks, Thompson-West!

misterwah Says:

crazy. $487?! Did fucktard pay in cash? Otherwise yeah - obvious and traceable so I think Brian Smart’s got the right idea.

PS: I read the small print because I was drawn to the pretty background graphic at the bottom of the page. fucktard.

Wow. Someone’s been watching Breaking Bad.

Kim Says:

“non-sketchtastic pharmacy” My new favorite word!!!!!
and yes he paid in cash!!!!
Steve and I were talking later about how funny it would have been for me to go up to him and shout “Hey Jesse!”
Though not so funny if he doesn’t know breaking bad.

misterwah Says:

It would have been even funnier! Because then one day he would have seen the show and been all, “Damn… I was made, yo. Bitch!”

Kim Says:

hahahaha! You’re right!!

suz Says:

…that’s interesting. Our Canadian government has made it law that only 3 boxes of allergy, colds meds…and a whole list of others may be sold to one person at a time. They have in fact blocked the tills in every store in Canada as a regulation. For example…Our tills actually stop until a supervisor can over ride the transaction. The supervisor then comes over and explains to the customer that they can return another day to purchase more medication if they should like, but that we cannot legally sell them anymore today. And, yes, it is because of the meth heads. Where was this London Drugs? Our managaer of our pharmacy is married to the Kelowns manager at London Drugs Kelowna…I’ll mention it to Kelly today. They face super hefty fines. They might as well be selling booze to minors. It’s a serious offense.

Kim Says:

It was the london drugs at Lansdowne (downtown location) And I know for a fact that there is a manager on duty in the morning as he’s usually the one who opens the door first thing but nobody said a word to this guy- he just pulled out a wad of 20’s and walked out with an arm load of bags full of Claritin! Let me know what she says!!!!!

Brian Smart Says:

Don’t they normally have security camera’s at the prescription counter, or at least somewhere in the “drug” store? It would not be out of the question that such a fine upstanding citizen is “known to authorities”.

Kim Says:

Wasn’t at the prescription counter- was the regular til by the front door- pretty sure all big stores like that have cameras pointing towards their tills!!

Kim Says:

**update- the purchase might not be nearly as sketchy as I thought- they were Claritin alright (yes- I went back and found the empty display- I know- I’m a loser) and they were loritadine pills which don’t appear in the meth recipes that I found online (how often does one say THAT sentence??) Am still making Suz ask her pharmacist friend though because apparently I have morphed into Nancy Drew.

misterwah Says:

Like Vegetable Assassin said - it’s Claritin D that has PE. If it was just regular Claritin, then the moron is probably dead by now for throwing away his boss’ money…

Kim Says:

wouldn’t his first clue have been the fact that they LET him buy that much? hahaha

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