to desire the replica

posted on: April 16th, 2010

Dear Asshole,

Hey fucktard! Yes, my dog Maggi is well trained. Yes, she will patiently sit at the door of my local gas station- unleashed-and wait while I (holding an always frightened  wee Lucy in my arms) pick up smokes. Can you give me one good fucking reason as to why you felt it necessary to taunt her, you “still acting like I’m a teen but my receding hairline says more like late 30’s” piece of shit? And why, you ragging fucking moron, do you find it shocking that I stepped out and basically verbally bitch slapped you. How could that have possibly been surprising given the fact that you were overtly trying to terrify my dog?

The look on your face was, I must admit, rather amusing. Almost made it worth it. Made me wish that I had one of those shitty little super hero rings so I could raise my fist to the sky, shout some bizarre little mantra and watch as all 26lbs of Maggi suddenly morphs into a Clifford-esque sized dog but with a bad fucking attitude and just a wee touch of “the rabies.”

I’d go back into the store and pick up a bag of ripple Lays so that I’d have something to munch on while I watched her rip out your fucking throat.



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I love you.

Phaedra Says:

I love the verbal bitch slap! You go, girl!

Brian Smart Says:

Once again why if I ever have to go into a tactical situation again I want you at my side Kim.

Tonight is a tough night. Me and the dog (Riley my bestest bud and sidekick) are sitting around patiently watching hockey and looking at the clock…OK not so patiently…waiting to pick up the girls from a double movie date with a couple of boys at the theatre in Whitehorse. Wife is away for two weeks. Considered under-cover outfits for me and the dog but he would not wear the dress. Tactical option was out; street sign prevented clear shot through movie theatre wall into pecker of Micky Rourke popcorn offering little bastard so will have to wait until opportunity in dark alley after movie to do Batman/Dad drop on his ass from fire escape above and scare shit out of him and pummel his ass.

To your point about your dog, I recall walking my old Grandad and his dog Benny down to the pub one night. Benny was not allowed inside after some guy from the city health office got wind of Benny. Anyway, after several pints one night Grandpa and I are leaving the pub, and hear Benny barking. A few university students are having the old cur on for a bit of fun. The old man grabs one by the throat (the old man is in his mid 80’s at this point) and pounds one of the kids up against a wall and tells him that if he does not leave his dog alone and piss off that “I’ll hit you so fookin hard I’ll turn ye into soup”

Anybody stupid enough to mess with another person’s dog deserves all the hell and hurt that will inevitably come with that transgression.

Kim Says:

I adore your Grandfather stories, but feel sorry for your girls. You are going to make dating HELL aren’t you?

Brian Smart Says:

My job to make dating hell for the boyfriends; I am a dad you know. I seriously dated a girl in highschool whose father was a cop and had his .38 out on the table when I came to pick her up. Considering what my intentions where at the time I would have had a 12-gauge on the table but nonetheless we are all still friends.

Thank-you for the grandfather comment; do miss the old sod quite a bit and this time of year think about him when I am getting ready for fly fishing. He taught me all I know about that and I miss those times standing in the middle of a river with him discussing the finer points of that art form. Funny thing when we talked about fly fishing there was never a time where he lost his patience or, even when I was very young he talked to me as though I were a child; it was like if I took up fly fishing that this propelled me to some higher plane where we were equals and just talking about fishing. On cold clear mornings in a good stream or when I get a good one on I think of him first every time and I’m almost 45 now but I still feel his hand on my shoulder sometimes correcting my cast.

Dusty Says:

I so love you and want to have your baby.

Sadly however I am past my prime and having your spawn isn’t possible…so we could just drink and smoke a lot!!!! ;)

Kim Says:

I’m IN!!!!

Kim Says:

ps- Nina- hope Daisy is doing well- that pic of her with the big blue collar was so sweet/sad

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