to desire the replica

posted on: June 29th, 2010

I have a long list today but it starts off with the fact that I am hopeful that Steve sees this new post in his reader and goes out and picks me up a bottle of wine. It has to go first on the list because I swear that he only skims my posts. Fucker. Plus I want the wine really bad so it should be first.

Other slightly less important things that I am hopeful for;

*I am hopeful that our plane doesn’t crash when we whip out to Edmonton this weekend for Ckenzie’s wedding. She has been like a daughter to me since she was 8 and though her dad and I dated for less than a year and I lost touch with him about a decade ago, she still calls me mom.

**I am hopeful that Steve still wants to fly home with me on Sunday. As a large contingent of my father’s side of the family happen to live in Edmonton my fantastic Uncle Darcy will be hosting a big bbq in honour of my rather rare visit. There will be loads of us of all ages and ungodly amounts of booze and laughter and someone will fall in the fire at some point, even if there isn’t one. I will do drunken wheelies in my Uncle Dale’s wheelchair for at least a half hour on the back deck or until Dale throws a beer can at me from the grass, or wherever I have unceremoniously dumped him.

Steve will be meeting them all for the first time. They will undoubtedly recount the time I was spending the summer in Alberta with my father and he pulled a rifle on a guy I was holding hands with on the couch while whispering a low and frighting “What are your intentions with my daughter?” When the boy eventually started breathing again my father simply giggled and walked away. They may also bring up the time a date came to pick me up and my father and 7 of his 9 siblings answered the door. They scrutinized him in total silence while he stood awkwardly outside wondering what to do until one of my uncles finally yelled out “Fuck it! Don’t like the look of this one, let’s string him up!”

Again, Steve will be meeting them all for the first time. Fuck.

**I am hopeful that my damn receptionist gets back from her 400 year holiday soon. I hate people and I want to beat the shit outta the fucking photocopier.

***I am hopeful that baby Gray remembers the fun days like last Sunday when he’s older. Sitting with Auntie Kim having lunch and then traipsing around the wildlife park and having to kidnap him with a modified full nelson out of the bouncy room and throwing him down the slide lest we never be able to leave the park.

***I am hopeful that Susin’s husband Stan never again accidentally orders 50 wings instead of 15 on wing day. 50 hot and 50 garlic. Despite the 100 wing fiasco in the afternoon, he still managed to polish off the bulk of his dinner at the Mexican place we went to before the Kelowna Matt Good show. I am also hopeful that the four of us will have many many more of those patio dinners when we laugh so hard margarita comes out of places that it shouldn’t.

****I am hopeful Steve goes to pick me up a bottle of wine that is waiting for me when I get home from work. A big one. Yes, I know I’ve already said that. Shut up.

*****I am hopeful that my crazy lovely mother has many more birthdays ahead of her. When I phoned her yesterday she said “My birthday? Today?” *obvious sounds of flipping pages in the background, maybe a calendar or maybe the phone book- with her you never know* “Oh look! It is! Wow, I’m 83 today!” (Just for the record, she’s 62 but is desperately looking forward to when she “looks” old enough to act batshit crazy in public and get away with it. You laugh because you think I’m kidding. You clearly haven’t met my mother. She will pee her pants in public the first chance she gets. Do not doubt me on this.)

*****Lastly I am hopeful that Steve bought wine. or beer. I could really handle a nice cold beer while walking the dogs later.

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Dusty Says:

Holy fuckamoly…he better have that wine chilled when you get home…that’s all I am gonna say!!!!

Hope you both have fun and that he is a good guy when it comes to family and their idea of practical jokes. ;)

Kim Says:

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared!
;)

Dusty Says:

Kim…he has to have a great sense of humor and a wicked view of the world to be ‘with you’ chica..so nothing to worry about I bet. ;)

My father is 80 and having been taking care of his fuckwitted, childish ass lately I have to say I would rather have your mom to deal with than my father…who btw was a very shitty father to us kids when it really mattered.

Jeannie Says:

I’m hopeful you get wine and beer too!

I’m hopeful your Dad’s family is on their worst behavior for Steve because after all your stories, can you imagine the let down if they weren’t?

Your Mom has it so right. The only good thing about old age is that no one expects you to be cool.

Kim Says:

hahahah.
you guys are so right!
ps- Dusty- do what my mom did- put bugs in his cereal & say they’re raisins. (again, not kidding!)

Brian Smart Says:

Since I am a father who is prone to the same kind of direct messaging to potential courters of my daughters, but also because I have been the guy at the kitchen table with the revolver on it, my advice to Steve is this:

No bullshit. Fathers can smell bullshit from a guy who intends on dating his daughter like a shark can smell a single drop of blood in a million parts water. If they start trying you on for size…hold your ground, stay no more than one beer behind the old man, and never come across as a smart ass even though, depending on the subject matter, you might actually know more than he does. Don’t talk too much and avoid saying those kinds of things like “fucking Oilers suck shit man” because if you do…guaranteed he’s head of the Oilers Booster club and then you are fucked for all eternity. Good luck. I think the best advice I ever got was this: “Be yourself…just leave out the part of you that sometimes acts like an asshole”.

a name Says:

love the boyfriend-intimidation tactics. will have to use them on my sister’s dates. muahahahahaha.

Here’s to wine. *lifts glass*

Stever Says:

I did miss this post before the end of the day. BUT… I also did get beer!

Kim Says:

Yes he did- he’s a damn fine man!!!! I’m looking forward to the weekend (I think) will post an update………..

Phaedra Says:

Your post always make me smile. I love you, man.

And wine. But not beer. Can’t win them all, I guess.

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