to desire the replica

posted on: February 3rd, 2010

OK- I think we’re all pretty clear on my distrust of organized religion, right? No? Check here, here, here or here because I’m not sure that I could be any more clear on the subject. So……. I’ve decided that I will start a religion of my own.

It is a religion of DOG.

Think about it for a second. Religion is comprised of the following things; Faith, loyalty, love, honesty, the ability to see you through the most difficult of times, and wrath. Dog, rather than God, does all of these things willingly and with the constant visual proof that we logical humans require. I know- some of you are thinking that “We shouldn’t need proof” and yet, look at humanity- we clearly do. More wars and more blood shed and death have started over religious beliefs than any other cause on the face of this freaking planet. This type of carnage… it wouldn’t be accepted, let alone justified, by any god that I personally could fathom believing in.

And so, I bring you the religion of Dog.

Faith. Dog perspective; I with have faith in every single little thing that you do.  I will wait at the front door for your entire work day and I will Know without question that you will return. Knowing that I know this, you will always return.

Loyalty. Dog perspective; There is no circumstance that will cause me to be disloyal to you. It would simply never happen. Never ever, ever. I will champion every victory and I will lovingly console every defeat. I will never leave your side, or the comfy spot on the couch.

Love. Dog perspective; I will love you even when you are shitty and stupid and neglectful. I will love you always, even on the days when you don’t act as though you love me.

Honesty. Dog perspective; I am a dog. I don’t have the ability to lie and will always show you exactly what I am feeling. I will not hold any emotion back even if it is lust and I feel the need to hump your friend’s leg.

Seeing you through difficult times. Dog perspective; I will lay beside you while you cry, while you laugh, and while you are confused. I will be your rock and I will be unbending.

Wrath. Dog perspective; I don’t want to hurt you, I want to love you without question for the rest of my days. However, if you poke me with a stick or the heel of your boot enough times, I will rip your fucking face off.

So, debate me this people; Is not the religion of Dog more straight forward, more honest, and more true than anything us crappy human kind could ever make up? I have to say, I am far more willing to throw my soul to the religion of Dog than I am any current or past day religion of God in what ever form he may pop up in.

When it comes to the religion of Dog, there is no “wiggle room” or conflict in that which the message says. The religion of Dog is clear. The religion of Dog is the only one that truly makes sense to me.

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Karen Moore Says:

Not sure if you hold nightly/daily meetings but you can add myself, Emmie & Maddy to your flock. Rosie might want to tag along and does get a little carried away with the “Hallelujahs” but nails have been clipped recently.

Kim Says:

We’re growing already!!!!!

Brian Smart Says:

I like this religion idea. Dog is God. Cats then, would be the devil. You go to confession, get hit with a rolled up newspaper a couple of times and you’re done. Communion (is that what it’s called) is a milkbone and a slurp out of the bowl vs. the bread and wine thing. Makes total sense to me.

p.s. I heard on the radio this morning that Iran fired a rocket into space. On board was a mouse, two turtles, and some worms. Imagine if you will, their little space suits. The kids and I figured the mouse would have to drive since worms don’t have arms and the turtles would be scared shitless and inside their shells. The space-walk shout be interesting.

Kim Says:

Do you think they’ll have an all terrain space vehicle?

Dave Says:

Brian - that whole Iranian space mouse thing is a hoax.
Kim - I’m sorry, I just can’t buy into your religion. I hate to be the voice of dissent, but here goes. While devoted Doggists have been around a long time, and jack-Doggists are simply crawling out of the woodword, there are no Doggist holidays, nor any organized and exploitive commercial interests connected with Doggism, which is simply required if you want to have any cred. Now take my religion for example. We have a dedicated website, rallies, holy relics for sale, and Cynthia and I have decided to start celebrating Happy Tendrils in mid-January instead of Christmas in December (the sales are way better, you can even buy decorations cheap in January. We’ve even been working hard to have Pastafarianism taught alongside Creationism and Natural Selection in schools. Dogs are welcome to join, as are Pirates, Strippers, Short People and Agnostics of any denomination.
Now you’ve been touched, the rest is up to you.

Kim Says:

ok Dave- I see your point but are there costumes?????????????

brad Says:

I’m sold. Religion based on the basic tenets of relationship is much better than doctrine.

Dave Says:

Of course,
Based on her outfit, you might think the girl in that video is some high ranking, powerful, pompous religious leader, but the truth, is that she probably made that pirate outfit herself. There is no hierarchy in Pastafarianism. You put into it what you want.

On a side note, I’ve been doing some intensive research into the Iranian Space program, and I apologize to Brian for my off hand, uneducated comment. After watching videos of American launches, and Iranian ones, I have to say, I’d rather be an Iranian astronaut. Even if the mouse was driving.
Did you see that rocket?
It was beautiful. I mean, classy paintjob. The states hasn’t made something that elegant since the P51 Mustang.

Brian Smart Says:

Dave: You’re pissin on my parade too. It was like Hammy Hamster in Space and you had to go wreck everything with that reality bullshit. I was looking forward to the splash down and the parade. Kids are gonna be sad.

Kim: The turtles would have been the ATV’s with those things on their backs like they use with elephants.

Brian Smart Says:

So the rocket was real but no mouse and turtles and worms?

Brian Smart Says:

Whew. Double checked…it wasn’t bullshit.

Dave: agreed on the paintjob.

I’m no international relations expert but I had to laugh when the US responded that firing a rocket into space with a mouse driving, two scared-shitless turtles, and some worms along for I don’t know what reason (compost? mouse going fishing?) was a “provocative act”.

Pauline Says:

Dogs AND cats are gods! Who else could bring such joy to so many people.:)

LiLu Says:

Do you have to have a dog to join? What about a cat who acts like a dog? There’s always a loophole with religions, right…

kim Says:

The very foundation of religion is a giant loophole!!!

Dog: God?

You have it backwards.

Cats are gods.

I think you’ve got the right idea here. Dogs could be “boss” as well as anyone.
Just found your blog, like your sass and will be back for more.

[...] your lucky stars that the catholic church thinks this is all okay because if you were a member of The Religion of Dog, we’d rip your fucking throat [...]

Atoz Says:

The religion of DOG .

That.s so right on it’s scary.

I should have seen this myself

I want to nominate my Boxers for pope and cardinal of the DOG church / .

Sandie Abel Says:

Dog is my co-pilot! Always!

Brian, the Religion of Dog doesn’t need a devil. In my opinion, no religion needs a devil; the supposed need for a devil is one of the problems with organized religion, in my opinion. Cats are not the enemies of Dog; in fact, I’ve known many dogs and cats who were great friends.

But if you feel the need to confess wrongdoing, Dog is a great listener. Dog will never invent a hell to put you in, much less a devil to run the damned place.

The ancient Egyptians believed that in order to get to the Club Med part of the afterlife, the soul had to go through some dangerous territory with lethal monsters in abundance. Who came to the rescue of these poor souls? Dog! Dog got you past the dangers and made sure that when you got to Club Med, nobody there tried to block your entrance on fake evidence.

That’s why the most solemn oath an ancient Egyptian could swear was “By the Dog”. Dogs don’t lie to you; and you were not allowed to tell lies or speak falsely before Dog.

Some things don’t change much. . .

This was forwarded to me in my undead state. I surmised much of this. There’s intriguing concepts here.

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