to desire the replica

posted on: January 10th, 2011

I’m watching CNN and puking a little in my mouth right now.

The Congresswoman has been shot! Is the Right to blame? Was he just a radical individual? Wow! The nine year old who died was born on Sept 11, 2001. Does that mean anything?

SHUT THE FUCK UP!

The one that gets me most right now is the discussion going on about whether the rhetoric running rampant in politics these days will change because of this. Will politicians get their shit together and start working rather than trying desperately to stab each other in the eye? And most importantly, will we as a society force the politicians and the media to discourage this bullshit in the future? basically- Is there a lesson to be learned by this tragedy?

Yes there is.

Will we learn from it though?

Uh….. History pretty clearly tells us that NO, WE WILL NOT.

We’ve lived through a million such “tragic lessons” and haven’t yet learned a fucking thing.

Don’t believe me? Bet you can hear the name BP without that former blind rage. Bet most people can’t even pick out Rwanda on a fucking map. Darfur? The human rights violations happening daily around the world- our own backyard included? The fact that those living in The Gaza Strip struggle to even own fucking pencils, let alone seed, livestock, or building materials- basically anything in order to help them be self sustainable???? Have we learned?

I’m sorry to be the little black cloud with the disgusted look leaning quietly in the corner, but I am. I wish we would learn from our mistakes but the odds are not in our favor my friends. I give the outrage about a month to burn itself out and by then I’m sure another million dollar athlete will have fucked a hooker and thereby jerking our collective minds in their direction with the force of a bullet to the back of the head.

Our species really is grotesque.

posted on: January 6th, 2011

So after all of my whining (there was a lot that didn’t make it here- believe me- I can whine like a fucking Olympic athlete on a bucket full of banned substances.) this is what my husband brought home with him

No, sorry. You can’t have him so fuck off.

posted on: January 5th, 2011

Let’s start out with a little poem.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

WHY THE FUCK ISN’T SOMEONE BRINGING ME DIM SUM RIGHT NOW??????

Ok, some small issues with the whole rhyming crap, but really, I want those steaming little bundles of goodness and I want them NOW. I love my dogs- I really do- but their inability to go fetch dim sum is making me suspect about their usefulness in this family.

This is the problem with launching Fig and Pepper the new food blog. I now spend my day looking at food, thinking about food, and making food. I was already doing this even before the blog but now it’s multiplied to the nth degree. I fear my upcoming participation in one of those horrid weight loss reality shows. I would be the bitch in the back sneering at everyone and shoving cold pizza down my gaping, drooling pie hole.

Mmmm. Pie.

Fuck.

ps- the “submit recipes” tab is not yet up and running on that blog but feel free to email me at kim@figandpepper.com to submit one. Must be yours to submit and come with a picture of said deliciousness.

posted on: December 30th, 2010

Ok gang- here it is.

We’re finally ready to launch our new food blog Fig & Pepper!!!!!!

Please check it out and tell me what you think. Make something that I’ve posted and pretend I’m having you over for a nice boozy dinner party. Unless you screw the recipe up- in that case- I want nothing to do with it. we’re still working out a few bugs so feel free to give me a heads up if you notice anything.

Be warned though- this site is a little more commercial so you’ll notice a sad lack of swearing, so just to tide you over…..FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. Motherfuckfuckfuck.

Enjoy.

posted on: December 22nd, 2010

It’s only a couple more sleeps until the fat guy starts (allegedly) breaking in to houses all around the globe. I personally feel a closer connection to the original Dutch version. Black Peter or Sinterklaas would come around at the beginning of December and kick the shit out of all the bad kids. He would literally drag them from their beds and beat the crap out of them in the street. As the youngest in a family comprised of future prison inmate brothers I desperately believed in Black Peter.

This year Suz & Stan and the awesomeness that is BABY GRAY will be spending Christmas at our house. It will make it slightly more difficult to get Steve drunk and convince him that we should open everything on Christmas eve, but I’ll still give it a go.

There is something magical about Christmas with a 3 year old. Especially when it’s not a snotty nosed whiny one. Given that upcoming fantasticness, I’m signing off until after the big day so that I can concentrate on eating my body weight in turkey and mauling Gray while sipping glass after endless glass of red wine.

Happy holidays to you all- be safe and be merry.

posted on: December 14th, 2010

Part 1 DEATH

For those interested, the wake for Uncle Tim was brilliant.(as wakes go) It consisted of my cousin Shannon’s rather large 3 story home being packed to the rafters with Holden’s as far as the eye could see. There was too much food, a “booze station” on every level, a container of ashes, and only 1 short speech followed by yet more hugging and kissing and laughing.

We celebrate life. We say “fuck you, death we got some beer to drink.”

Oddly enough, no one fell in the bonfire which might actually be a record. (Could have to do with the fact that there was a “smoking room” in the basement therefore negating the necessity of freezing your fucking ass off out in the backyard.) It was Edmonton people. They know how to do cold.

Part 2 TEETH

I got two fillings today. This means that I had two itty bitty tiny cavities (and one more that I will have done in Feb.) I have giant crevasses in my molars. So big that if you fell into one, unlike your unsuccessful attempt in the backyard with the shovel, if you fell in you would actually end up in China. Hang out in any dive shop world wide and you’ll hear old seasoned pros saying shit like “Mariana’s Trench? Pfft! That’s nothing man, you ever dove Kim’s molars?”

Ok, Ok, I get that cavities aren’t exactly earth shattering news…….

UNLESS YOU ARE 40 AND THESE ARE THE FIRST MUTHERFUCKING FILLINGS YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED IN YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING “HOLY MARY MOTHER OF DOG LOOK HOW PERFECT MY TEETH ARE” LIFE!!!!!

So my dentist tells me that they might be Steve’s fault. Introducing new bacteria, sharing a toothbrush now and then, and he, though blessed with good teeth, hadn’t seen a dentist in about a decade. She said if I’ve gone my whole life without them, chances are.. Steve is the culprit.

So… My fucking husband gave me cavities. They feel like soft weird gum stuck in my teeth that I am rubbing my tongue raw with while trying to dig it out. THEY SUCK ASS!!!! However, given my obvious fear, the dentist switched into “I’m working on a 8 year olds mouth” mode and patiently explained everything that was about to happen. At the end, she even walked me to the “treasure chest” so that I could pick something out. I chose a plastic ring with a green stone.

I’d like to say I’m kidding about that last part, but I’m not.

Part 3 Presents

It’s less than 2 weeks to Christmas, DID YOU NOT READ PART TWO??????? MY HUSBAND GAVE ME CAVITIES!!!!

posted on: December 6th, 2010

Considering all the crazy antics and stories of my father and his 9 siblings it really should be shocking that they all made it to adulthood rather than us all being socked that one of the ten have died. And yet we are. I will fly out on Friday to be with my enormous crazy clan for the wake where we will have long loud cheers and toasts amid sobs.

My favorite Uncle Tim story has him in an “altered state” (wink wink) while doing some work on the eaves troughs. So impressed was he with his handy work that he took a few steps back to admire the completed job. While taking those steps back it had completely slipped his mind that he was on a ladder, 2 stories up. It was good for a laugh and like every other mishap (the axe and the bonfire comes to mind) he was fine.

Until this time when he wasn’t.

RIP Patrick Timothy Holden. I will hope that they have beer there.

xoxo

posted on: December 4th, 2010