Dear Mr. Obama,

Welcome to Canada! We’re glad to have you. I would like to apologizes to you for all of the whiny Canadians who are disgruntled that you aren’t staying long enough to attend a grand ball or two. Some people have forgotten that you currently have a lot of shit on your plate and not much time for the schmooze. I for one would like to thank you for not turning your visit into a stupid and overpriced red carpet event. I would also like to thank you for wining the election. Thank fuck on a stick that you did.

In closing, this humble Canadian would like to make a couple of small requests for your trip to our beautiful land. Could you please bitch slap Harper while you’re here? Nothing public mind you, just a private reminder that we need him to stop acting like a fucking king and start acting like a Prime Minister. Also, if possible, could you please rethink the protectionism issue and when you have a chance, tell your people that Canadians don’t really finish every sentence with the word “Eh?”

Thank you,

Kim