to desire the replica

posted on: April 20th, 2010

All I’ve got is a little bit of the random today. Considering the fact that I have been mostly masturbating to old Rick Springfield albums in the broom closet absent from the blog world, I’m lucky that I can even pull “random” outta my ass right now.

I would like to discuss my zit. I know- boring as a pap smear right? No. This one is different. It’s taken up seemingly permanent residence to the right of my nose and by permanent I mean that it’s been there for OVER A FUCKING MONTH. (Being that I wasn’t a zitty kid growing up and missed most of that horror in high school, this fact amuses Susin greatly.) If you’re still wondering what the hell I’m whining about, let me elaborate on my month long face tenant that has affectionately been named Guadeloupe.

It’s size is such that it casts a shadow on my nose.

This is serious business people. One of the ever helpful gals at work tells me this toothpaste trick which is “guaranteed to work.” Unbeknown to me, toothpaste apparently kind of sort of burns it away and said co worker failed to mention any required restraint on my part with regards to amount of toothpaste applied or duration that it was to stay on my face. Being the clever girl that I am I slathered that shit on and left it there for practically an entire weekend. This of course resulted in Guadeloupe being transformed from a happy go lucky zit mountain that refused to erupt to an angry shiny red and then later peeling and brown BURN. Yes, you heard that correctly. I burned my fucking face with toothpaste. As for that “guarantee” of it working……the burn incident healed about 2 weeks ago. Guadeloupe is still there, proud as ever and ready to put together her own fucking facebook page.

The girls at work are now convinced it’s a tumor. I no longer care and am shopping for mini sombreros to help her accessories.

I would secondly like to mention my new underwear. I bought a fuck ton in Van but this one particular style- silky lacy boy shorts- are the Stanley cup of underwear. (Feel free to use the word “panties” if you like but know that I’ll whack you upside the head with your stupid Holly Hobby lunch kit.) So I’m wearing a pair of them to work under a loose summer dress the other day and not once, not twice, but three fucking times I felt the cold hard knife of panic slice through my chest.

“Oh Fuck! I’m wearing a short dress to work and forgot to put on underwear.”

THAT my friend, is what I call comfort.

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where did you find these underwear aka panties (a word that also used to send daggers out my eyes).. i have trouble finding gonch i like.

when i certain someone reads this about the zit bit i think they may relate after last night that is all i can say OR i will be murdered im sure.

i don’t understand how this zit situation gets worse with age but it so does and it is a sort of really unforgiving hell.

Kim Says:

hahahaha. If that certain someone coments here you’re probably dead meat!
The underwear are from “Jacob” and OH MY GOD I love them.

Brian Smart Says:

You put toothpaste on a zit? That makes no fucking sense! What do you use to polish the furniture in your house Vagisil? It’s like you have medicinal dyslexia or something; “Hey my ass hurts better stop at the drug store and get some white strips”

What would have happened if you went into nursing?

First of all leave the zit alone and stop bothering it. In the meantime go get some kick ass zit killer (ask the pharmacist; one look at Guadalupe and they’ll know what you want). My son (he’s 15) had one like that and they have this shit it’s like dropping an atomic bomb on the zit.

“Guadeloupe is still there, proud as ever and ready to put together her own fucking facebook page.”

I love that you named it and this line made me laugh out loud. :) Thanks.

Dusty Says:

I ain’t commenting on the zit..see a friggin doc woman.

As for the boy short undies..I LOVE THOSE FUCKERS!!! That is all I own now!

Kim Says:

Guadeloupe loves you all!
Brian- The white Stripes are good for my ass? Like, the band?

Jeannie Says:

I saw the zit and painted a picture of her while on vacation.

I get the odd asteroid sized zit in my non-existent eyebrow when I’m pmsing. Hurts like hell and takes forever to go away. I’m supposed to be menopausing.

I don’t believe there is such a thing called comfortable underwear for women. Not for my fat ass anyway - esp not boy shorts.

Brian Smart Says:

Go for it; musical therapy for your zit would be better than toothpaste.

Can’t contribute too much on the underwear thing although it might surprise the ladies to know that guys have important underwear decisions too or underwear faux pas (that’s french for “fuck ups” right? Example: boxer shorts are great but you only make the mistake of wearing them if you are playing soccer or worse yet engaging in any physical acivity that includes jumping jacks. Sorry for the visual but it’s like having one of those japanese taiko drummers down there.

Kim Says:

hahahahhahah that visual is sticking with me all day Bri!!!

Kim Says:

And normally Jeannie- I’m with you- underwear are the devils work- these ones are freaking heavenly though……..

OH man, I’m so happy I’m not the only one masturbating to Rick Springf….I mean uh, absent from blogland this week. Also, I’ve had two zits in the past week. TWO. Both the size of Kilimanjaro and both in the most ludicrous sites - end of nose and between nose and mouth. And I NEVER GET SPOTS EVER! Or didn’t. WTF isn’t that supposed to stop when you stop being 16? I am not amused.

Dave Says:

I’m with Brian, but the most mortifying thing is going to a massage and realizing, holy [email protected]#$% I don’t have any underwear on.
I’ve stopped to buy some twice. Count em twice.

So now you know.

Phaedra Says:

I feel your pain Kim. I am dealing with 2 massive zoilers right now. Warm compress with salt water or fresh pressed garlic on them drains the little bastards.

I thought this shit ended when we were out of puberty.

Zits that won’t go away are the worst. I have one inside my left nostril right now. It’s a painful one. I may have to try the toothpaste trick. Any tips on how long NOT to leave it on? =)

Kim Says:

Seeing as we all seem to be sharing this same horror i vote that we go out and beat up some teenagers- preferably ones with clear skin. Bastards.
ps- Dave… Ha! I only THOUGHT I wasn’t wearing any!!! You totally win!

Julie Says:

If it’s still there in a week or two, get thee to a dermatologist. Seriously, you don’t want to fuck around with facial growths.

Kim Says:

yeah- or I’ll end up like that guy from “How to get ahead in advertising.” A random and bitchy head growing out of it that proceeds to berate me every chance it gets.

Stever Says:

@brian, the toothpaste on the zit trick is the cheap, yet industrial strength version of oxyclean. It’s a strong oxidant and also has antibacterial properties. Some say it works, others say its a myth. I suspect it can work for some types of tits and certain skin types.

In google type toothpaste and you will see in the top 10 suggestions toothpaste on zits, toothpaste acne and toothpaste on pimples. What the all seeing Goog suggests means lots of peeps are searching it. #1 suggestion is toothpaste for dinner ;)

Kim Says:

ok sweet pea- that’s what you’re getting for dinner tonight!

a name Says:

burt’s bees blemish stick.

badass shit that clears up my skin like WHOA. and i have the worst fucking skin EVER (but the best fucking photoshop skills ever, too, so facebook has no log of this, ha!). only downside is that it does sting like a mofo. my killer combo is this thing and aveeno anti-aging facial pads. :D

Kim Says:

I’m about ready to just cut off my head.

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