to desire the replica

posted on: December 14th, 2010

Part 1 DEATH

For those interested, the wake for Uncle Tim was brilliant.(as wakes go) It consisted of my cousin Shannon’s rather large 3 story home being packed to the rafters with Holden’s as far as the eye could see. There was too much food, a “booze station” on every level, a container of ashes, and only 1 short speech followed by yet more hugging and kissing and laughing.

We celebrate life. We say “fuck you, death we got some beer to drink.”

Oddly enough, no one fell in the bonfire which might actually be a record. (Could have to do with the fact that there was a “smoking room” in the basement therefore negating the necessity of freezing your fucking ass off out in the backyard.) It was Edmonton people. They know how to do cold.

Part 2 TEETH

I got two fillings today. This means that I had two itty bitty tiny cavities (and one more that I will have done in Feb.) I have giant crevasses in my molars. So big that if you fell into one, unlike your unsuccessful attempt in the backyard with the shovel, if you fell in you would actually end up in China. Hang out in any dive shop world wide and you’ll hear old seasoned pros saying shit like “Mariana’s Trench? Pfft! That’s nothing man, you ever dove Kim’s molars?”

Ok, Ok, I get that cavities aren’t exactly earth shattering news…….

UNLESS YOU ARE 40 AND THESE ARE THE FIRST MUTHERFUCKING FILLINGS YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED IN YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING “HOLY MARY MOTHER OF DOG LOOK HOW PERFECT MY TEETH ARE” LIFE!!!!!

So my dentist tells me that they might be Steve’s fault. Introducing new bacteria, sharing a toothbrush now and then, and he, though blessed with good teeth, hadn’t seen a dentist in about a decade. She said if I’ve gone my whole life without them, chances are.. Steve is the culprit.

So… My fucking husband gave me cavities. They feel like soft weird gum stuck in my teeth that I am rubbing my tongue raw with while trying to dig it out. THEY SUCK ASS!!!! However, given my obvious fear, the dentist switched into “I’m working on a 8 year olds mouth” mode and patiently explained everything that was about to happen. At the end, she even walked me to the “treasure chest” so that I could pick something out. I chose a plastic ring with a green stone.

I’d like to say I’m kidding about that last part, but I’m not.

Part 3 Presents

It’s less than 2 weeks to Christmas, DID YOU NOT READ PART TWO??????? MY HUSBAND GAVE ME CAVITIES!!!!

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Stever Says:

I call bullshit. Our dentist is a quack!!!

Cavities take a long slow time to form. New strains of bacteria, sure, but you brush religiously 2 times daily.

But they are my bacterias. Maybe they’re just uber strong! Rawr!

Kim Says:

They were tiny and fresh- she said no more than a few years old……..
You’re lucky I love you with every breath.

Dusty Says:

This sentence made me howl: Oddly enough, no one fell in the bonfire which might actually be a record.

Lets just say I can ‘relate’. ;) Sorry bout your cavities dear woman.

Brian Smart Says:

Steve is a husband and therefore everything is his fault. The sooner he realizes and embraces this unscientific, but more importantly, wife-proven fact, the easier the rest of his life will be. Some examples:
Dog shits on carpet: husband at fault since he did not let dog out to shit

Meteor strikes house: husbands fault since he wanted to by this house and wife wanted other house across town out of impact zone of meteor

Climate change: husbands fault since he contributes directly, and constantly, to greenhouse gases (primarily methane).

Phaedra Says:

I am literally spitting water out of my nose reading Brian’s comment.

Hot, aren’t I?

Even moreso that I need about $10,000 grand of dental work. Weak enamel since childhood. Your mouth would be a dream.

In more ways than one.

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