to desire the replica

posted on: April 27th, 2009

Everyone has a junk drawer. I’m ridiculous/organized/anal/OCD and even I have one. Sometimes the contents are like little presents that I’d forgotten to give myself like the red dragon iron on patch that I found last week or the sparkly barrette that I had assumed the dog ate. Sometimes the contents are suckery (not to be confused with fuckery) like the overdue mastercard bill or expired coupon. My brain also has it’s own little junk drawer, or more aptly, pocket of misc thoughts enclosed in the slippery jello like membrane in my skull. Yeah, junk drawer just sounds better, especially for anyone who happens to be eating a bowl full of red jello right now. I think my recent homicidal tendencies have something to do with the junk drawer being full. No more room for the endless stream of crap that floats around my brain. I cannot write a decent post and I haven’t even touched any of my other writing so it’s time for a purge…. I will apologize in advance for boring some of you into a coma.

I HATE when people say seen vs. saw and the word samwhich makes me violent.

My middle name comes from the back of a Beatles album and my brother once took a chunk of hash off of my parents dresser to bring for grade 2 show & tell. I shouldn’t be, but I am absurdly proud of these facts.

In grade 7 I held the record for most black eyes in a school year. (36)

I am a list maker. I have made a list of the lists that I need to make.

I’m getting my wisdom teeth out in June and I am scared of the general anesthetic. Would it be too dramatic to write long goodbye letters to those I love just in case?

I am ok with blood and guts and have seen my fair share up close. Snot makes me nauseous though.

As a young teen I once ran down the street throwing knives at my brother and his friend Dave. I was aiming for real.

Through out my life I have made an inordinately large number of people cry.

I know that I could kill someone if I had to. No question.

I worry that I will never quit smoking.

I am wearing black heels, a black pencil skirt and a low cut fitted white dress shirt right now and I feel like one of the secretaries off of mad men.

I have a bf that I still get butterflies about after a year which astounds me. The fact that he puts up with my antics is even more incredible.

I can keep a secret forever. And a grudge.

The end.

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Julie Says:

Were you on the giving or receiving end of those black eyes. Either way, it’s impressive.

Kim Says:

@Julie- ha ha ha. I hadn’t thought about how that could read! Unfortunately, I was the receiver.

Someday I, too, will have a boyfriend I still get butterflies about after a year. Also, I wish my parents kept hash on their dresser so I could take it for my own personal show and tell.

Brian Smart Says:

I can take somebody saying “I seen Bigfoot once; made a sound I would not want to hear twice in my life”. What makes me want to eviscerate somebody is “Yous”. As in “Hey what are yous guys doing?” The other one is when somebody says “for all intensive purposes” - which unless you are a battlefield medic is totally fucking stupid.

Samwhich doesn’t bother me but every time Rachel Ray says “sammy” I want to smack her. The giggle doesn’t help.

Wow. 36 black eyes in one year. So sorry.

Brian Smart Says:

..oh and that’s cool about the Beatles album name thing. I always told people that I my name, and in particular my middle name (Andrew) was after Andrew of Scots. Seemed manly and cool. My Dad corrected me one day that Mum went into labour when they were standing in line to see The Sound of Music, and I was named after Julie Andrews.

Fuck.

Kim Says:

Oh Brian- You just about made me pee my pants at work!

Kim Says:

@ LA- On the upside, I can take a punch like no ones business!

Jeannie Says:

Hey, I know Julie Andrews God-daughter.

I absolutely loath “seen” instead of saw as well - my husband picked it up off his men - my son and I constantly correct him. We cured my son’s girlfriend of it.

Dusty Says:

I worry that I will never quit smoking. yeah yeah yeah..that makes two of us woman.

Snot makes you sick to your stomach? LOL!!! sorry but I find that hysterical. ;)

Kim Says:

I know right? As though there aren’t far more disgusting things to gross me out. It’s (kind of) ok if it’s kid snot but if it’s adult…EWWWWWWWWWWW
@just a girl- My parents had a great dresser full of goodies….

Bon Don Says:

Why do I feel the need to tell you every secret that I have? …

So the black eyes? From fighting or accidents? Should we call you Scrappy?

Kim Says:

@BonDon- Brothers with “anger management issues” and a mom with three jobs & night classes so we were left to our own devises a lot.

Brian Smart Says:

Funny how snot makes you sick but you could kill somebody like that too. I did some labour relations for awhile and some police work…so it was pretty high stress but it was like water off a ducks back. And yet yesterday I lost a pair of keys and I tossed and turned over it all night…..had nightmares actually.

Kim Says:

Yeah- it’s not going to be the potential end of the world that gives me a heart attack, it’ll be wondering if I turned off the stove.

Kim Says:

ps- I should also state here that I’m not a serial killer in the making (though Dexter is pretty damn cool) But I would have no hesitation killing to protect. None what so ever.

Brian Smart Says:

…two of the keys I lost yesterday are for the shotgun I take on backcountry trips where there are a lot of grizzly bears. One for the case and the other the trigger lock. I have a fly-in trip booked to Conservation Officer cabin on the Primrose River at the beginning of June…just me and the dog. I had a nightmare I lost the keys up there…and so couldn’t get into it..and there were bears all around the outside of the cabin

Kim Says:

Thanks Brian- now I’m gonna have nightmares. I have a thing about bears…. an ex (avid hunter) always took me bear hunting and every once in a while he’d make me stand on this broken trestle hanging in the air for “safety” if there were a lot of bears about. It took me a while to figure out that he would do this when I had my period and was in fact using me as bait.
Find your keys please!

Brian Smart Says:

Luckily I work for Yukon Environment and I just found out the Conservation Officers have a set of master keys for such emergencies and for when they confiscate firearms. Plus I should not have watched the Ghost and the Darkness before bed last night with my son! Maybe I’ll rent The Sound of Music…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

suz Says:

yup! this is a perfect discription.
love you baby…hope it helped.

Desert Rat Says:

When I was 13 I had a friend over and a totally different sister, who I don’t talk to or about, chased me around the house with a knife while my friend cried in fear! ;-)

on another note: I think bondon and I would fight over you if we had to- although we both know she would win!

Kim Says:

Suz- Love you too… see you guys in 14 days!!!! I can’t wait!!! I’ll email you about the menu- i think I’m making lime chili chicken with roasted garlic!
Desert- Awww. You’re too sweet. I’d make you guys share!

i love this post. you didn’t bore me at all. :)

LiLu Says:

You seen mah sammich anywhere?

Please don’t grudge me.

Kim Says:

LiLu! GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Jay Says:

Oh man, I bet that felt reeeeeeeeeeeal good.

Phaedra Says:

you had me at sparkly barrette.

Chick Says:

Great list…I like the butterfly part the best : )

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