to desire the replica

posted on: March 26th, 2009

I’m never above humiliating myself- in fact, I’m usually quite good at it. After reading about TMIT over at Live it Love it and again at The Change I Wish to See among others, I have decided to jump on the bandwagon of embarrassment for this weeks communal little trip down what the fuck was I thinking lane. The premise is simple- share a humiliating story about yourself or others, an no one loves the awkward more than I…..

As I child (grade 5 or 6 I believe) my friends and I had an all consuming interest in bodies and body function. We diligently researched and wrote endless papers on menstruation and fertility (please keep in mind these were not required for class, they were assigned to us by us because we were freaks.) We devoured library books on anatomy and body systems and went so far as to create a “club” of sorts. (This is about the point you should prepare to begin cringing) For whatever reason-and I’m quite certain Susin will chime in with some embarrassing notes in the comment section- we decided that it was a very good idea for all of us to climb into a bathroom stall and stand on the toilet to hide our feet (I think there were 3 or 4 of us) and secretly listen to people going to the bathroom. We were the GROW club. Get Rid Of Waste. (Seriously, why the fuck am I writing this?) I have no idea why this fascinated us so, but it did. If I remember correctly, we may have even compiled reports and “data”, though what that data was (thankfully) escapes me.

There. You have it. Proof that I was a total weirdo as a kid. However, as I don’t like to end a story with my total humiliation without adding some type of redeeming feature, I will add another one from the around same time period that makes me look like far less of a stalker/creep.

My grade 6 self and two friends (Susin and someone else, whoever our “third” happened to be that week) were sitting in the library discussing our adventures from the weekend. This adventure happened to include Susin & I playing a game of truth dare double dare with our little grade 6 boyfriends (who I believe both had the same name- Greg & Greg? Chris & Chris? I don’t remember.) Anyhoo….. nosy little librarian happens to be listening in just as I am describing being dared to go into the back seat of GregGreg/ChrisChris/whatever’s older brothers car and kiss. It was all very innocent, but Miss Librarian hears it differently and much to my confusion I am being hauled into the principals office a short time later. (Not to say that my getting in trouble was an amazing thing, but this time I couldn’t remember having performed any of my usual antics.)  So it turns out to be quite the deal- the Principal (it must be added here that we shared a barely containable hate for one another) and Miss Librarian as a “witness” due to the “sensitive” subject matter. So Principal fuckface proceeds to recount snippets of my earlier library conversation and begins to drill me on whether or not my mother is aware of this behavior. Unbeknown to me, Miss Librarian had heard only enough to assume that my grade 6 self was making out in the back seat of an older boys car- 19 to be exact, though where the hell they came up with that number I’ll never know. So, blah blah blah and I say something to the affect of “My mother encourages me to bring my boyfriends home so she can meet them.” and Principal fuckface says “Oh? In what way does she like to meet them?” His voice is dripping with dirt & sleaze and I then do what every self respecting grade 6er who’s hippy mother has just been insulted would do. I punch him in the stomach and call him a cocksucker and walk out.

**Just as a side note, I think he was eagerly anticipating how much shit I would be in when my Mother arrived. He was wrong. I think she made him cry.

The end.

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LiLu Says:

Ask me about the “Ork Report” sometime when we’re out drinking. You won’t be disappointed. (It comes with a dance.)

(Did you see how I slipped in there that now you have to get a drink with me? WIN!)

Jeannie Says:

Wow - you had chutzpah! I would do this but I seem to have jettisoned the more humiliating antics from my memory. I guess. Maybe I was just boring.

lol this story isnt humilating, its great. and i think its great your mom stood up for you. mine wouldve just stood there and looked at me.

Jen Says:

Lol, three cheers for calling the principal a cocksucker!

(On a sidenote,it seems to me, that principals and teachers should love kids, not just like, or mildly feel disdain towards. That’s what schools are missing. if people would just stop getting into the teacher field if they don’t like kids even the slightest bit…the world would be a better place!)

Kim Says:

@LiLu- Wellll….. Seeing as there’s a dance involved, I’M IN!!

f.B Says:

Ask and ye shall receive. This includes not-so-subtly asking for a swift punch to the gut by acting like an ass.

Your Mom is win!

Bon Don Says:

You & You Mom are Bad Ass!

The GROW Club huh! it’s ok we love you because you do shit like this. really! :)

I love you already. I used to hate when adults just made shit up. WTF 19? Totally random. I would have probably just cried.

Dusty Says:


I love you Kim…I seriously do. You are a wonder to behold. I did lots of shit to piss off the establishment all through my life, and my mother backed me every time.

She could make anyone cry…the ole biddy is a trip..believe me. ;)

Desert Rat Says:

I especially loved that you called him a cocksucker! I agree it’s for these reason we love you.

Richard Duggan Says:

F n A !

suz Says:

Will write more tomorrow but…
I am laughing my fucking ass off!
It was Ken and Ken by the way…
I also can’t believe that my son is the same sign as you. I am very scared!

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